Ask Andrew – 284
Dear Andrew,
I have been reading I love you but. About two weeks ago I heard these dreaded words from my husband of almost 11 years. He tells me that things started going sour about 4 or 5 years ago. At that time we were going through a lot of issues as far a financial issues, selling a house, having a new baby and him going on his first deployment.
He says the biggest problem is that I always used him as my scape goat blaming everything, that could have, should have, or even did not happen on him. I have currently been going to counseling for about two months now and have come to find out that I have been depressed for quite some time. I have also found out that my husband has been having an emotional affair with his high school sweetheart. The problem that I am faced with is that he is in the military and currently in Afghanistan, which is when he said ILYB. We had a few good 7 or 8 weeks before he left, so I was confused to hear that come from him as yes i know that we were not great in our relationship, but I thought that we were working on things. He now tells me that he needs time to figure out his feelings, he says that he is confused, torn, perplexed and scared of getting hurt in the same ways that I have hurt him in the past.
I am not sure where to go from here. I did not realize in all of those years that I was treating him so poorly and I am not sure if it is something that I can ever make up for, I want to make it up to him as I love this man with all of my heart. We have two beautiful children together and I don’t want to hurt him any longer. I want both of us to be happy and I am hopeful that we can be happy together as we once were. I am just not sure how to act about our situation with him being 13,000 miles away. I am not sure if he continues emailing and skyping me only because of our children or if we are working on our communication skills and seeing as he says: “if we can come back to each other, or if we are right for each other”. I need advice and yours would be greatly appreciated. My counselor said that I am doing the right thing by fighting for him and our marriage, sending him letters, continuing communicaitons, remaining upbeat when we talk and sending him out lovely care packages. But is that all I can really do to from this far away to help show him how much i love him, respect him, appreciate him, adore him and want him? I just don’t know where to go from here!
Andrew writes:
It is tough being a military family, all that time apart and the heightened emotions of him being somewhere dangerous. Like your counsellor, I think you’re doing the right thing fighting for your marriage, sending the letters and the other nice things. It’s great to tell him how much you respect him and adore him.
It might be hard to work on your relationship at a distance but that doesn’t stop you learning more about yourself and why you might ‘scape goat’ him for some of your stuff. Look at the first half of ‘The Single Trap’ as this section is called ‘Working on yourself’ and is useful whether you’re looking for or in love.
Next, I want you to more gentle with yourself. It takes two people to mess up a relationship – not just you! So what’s his contribution? I’m sorry but having an emotional affair with an old girlfriend is not going to improve your relationship. I don’t know how serious this has become but you might consider – ‘How can I ever trust you again?’ – my book on affairs as this explains why they happen and how to combat them.
Time apart is tough, but use your time wisely by learning and reading and you’ll be ready to move forward when he returns home.
