Ask Andrew – 285
Dear Andrew,
Just finished reading your book ‘The Single Trap’ great book but I must say I was disappointed that there wasn’t anything about when you lose a parent through death, to me it’s not the same as when your parents divorce. My own Dad died when I was only 12 it had a knock on effect not only on me but my mum too. A chapter on that subject would have been helpful.
Andrew writes:
The more I think about it, the more I agree: it was an oversight. The ‘accepted’ view in many psychological circles is that although losing a parent through bereavement is tough, it’s not as bad as divorce. They argue that nobody chooses to die but divorce seem personally rejecting.
However, I have counselled single people who have been profoundly effected by bereavement but unlike after a divorce (where there is someone to argue and make up with) it goes underground and doesn’t get expressed. When it comes to making relationships, I think it is harder for women to have lost their fathers and for men to have lost their mothers.
However, I should throw it over to you, what do you think are the problems and what can be done to alleviate them?
And she wrote back….
Hello Andrew,
Thanks for replying, I am going to be honest with you, my father’s death at the age of 12 screwed me up. I have been married & divorced 3 times & losing a parent at such a cruicial stage of a child’s development particularly for a young woman which I was at the time. Losing that male role model was deterimental to my personal development my older brother was suppossed to take my Dad’s place but he couldn’t cope as he was only 16 & going through the teenage angst years. There was a lot of anger from me (5 stages of breavement I know have studied it) death of a parent does affect children we were treated as of no importance; my mother got all the sympathy & attention from everyone. Although death is sudden some parents die form a long term illness & children can be carers. I think something about these stages could seriously help single people. Otherwise your book has helped a lot.
So here are my thoughts…
I can’t think of a worse time to lose a father. It was horrible that you did not get the support you needed and how tough for your brother to be expected to fill his father’s shoes.
It sounds like you’ve done a lot of bereavement work – which I’m glad, because each relationship break-up will seem like a mini divorce.
I wonder, however, if you have forgiven your father for disappearing. I know he didn’t choose to die but that will not have stopped it from being felt personally. I can still feel the anger coming through your letter and I wonder if that is directed at him.
Ultimately, forgiveness is a gift to ourselves because it helps us move on and draw a line in the sand. So write a letter to your father, tell him how terrible it felt when he died, how it effected you, what he’s missed and why you’re feeling angry today. I know it will be hard but just leap into it and keep typing. Obviously you can’t send it to him, but you can send it to me.
Finally, good luck with your journey and finding a better relationship next time round.
