Ask Andrew – 286
Dear Andrew
I don’t know where to start but I don’t know if I am too late to save my relationship, my 5 year marriage. We are both in our early 30’s and have been together 10 years with a 3 year old son.
I got the ILYB statement about 3 months ago now and that he wanted to move out for space. He moved out to his own flat 1 month ago. He has now said that he loves being on his own, things have changed too much since we had our son, more than he thought and he knows now he doesnt love me. He wants us to sell the house and sort out a divorce at some point. We have been in a rut for about a year but he has worked an awful lot so between work, studying and football we haven’t had that much family time. Sex life was virtually non-existent. I acknowledged we were in a rut but only felt we needed quality time together and arranged babysitters etc / couple of holidays.
He has used the ‘its me not you cliche’ and admitted him working too much is a big reason for being where we are today and that he should have tried harder before but didn’t. But I know there are two in a relationship so we probably haven’t been communicating as well as we could have been doing and I certainly would have a go at him about his work, I guess pushing him away rather than sit and talk.
I love him though and don’t want to throw away 10 years together but it feels he has already checked out of the relationship and there is nothing I can do. I have tried the whole strong thing, show him what he’s missing but I’m struggling to cope in day to day life. I was a stay at home mum and have had to find a job. But just getting up in the morning is a hardship. He is only seeing his son on a sat night/sunday and hasnt offered anymore. he seems to be cutting his family out too, not talking to them. He doesn’t appear depressed or anything but am I too late to be saving this? He point blank refuses to go to counselling with me to even try clear up some confusion. What do I do? In the space of 3 months he’s gone, just like that, no fighting for us and I feel I don’t have a say in the matter.
Andrew writes:
Everything seems to have moved incredibly quickly. Three months from ILYB to his own flat and heading for a divorce with hardly a backward glance, it feels like there is a piece missing to this jigsaw.
My suspicion is that he has an ‘inappropriate relationship’ – someone who is more than a friend. She is either providing support to help him walk or he is interested in making this more than a friendship. He does say anything to you because he feels she is not a factor in the break-up (possibly she is not the root cause but possibly the reason why he is moving at 100 miles an hour).
So look at the section of ILYB about inappropriate relationships and the questions that could illicit an answer. There is more advice in ‘How can I ever trust you again’ too. In a nutshell, don’t panic and start accusing him of an affair – as this will make him clam up or turn on you. Be calm, ask the necessary questions, listen and listen some more. (Look through my other answers to ILYB answers for details of how to ‘actively’ listen.)
If he swears that he’s not ‘talking’ to someone, I think you need to show your vulnerable side – so he understands that you’re not this ‘super woman’ who can cope with everything he throws at you. (Maybe this is why he seems to have so little guilt?)
Finally, do fight for this marriage – if only for the sake of your child. Three months is far too short a time to make a life changing decision, so keep talking, telling him how you’d like your marriage to be and, in particular, how you’d like your sex life to change and most important of all…… keep listening.
