Ask Andrew – 288
Dear Andrew,
I’ve read The Single Trap and found it helpful. However, I still seem to be a bit stuck after having broken up with my boyfriend 18 months ago.
I’m 33, he was 10 years older and with a child. He broke up unexpectedly before moving in together, disappeared and got into another long distance relationship soon after. We were compatible physically, emotionally and intellectually, and had plans for a future together. We haven’t met or spoken since the breakup, although every now and then he’d send me an email, says he’ll ring or suggests a lecture I may be interested in, but when I respond, he won’t write back. I have accepted his decision and moved forward in terms of finding a good job, making new friends, pursuing hobbies that mean a lot to me, and am usually happy and my friends say I’m radiant and full of energy. This is true, but I’m getting tired of being alone.
I’ve hardly dated in the past 18 months. Men look at me, we flirt but there’s no request for a date or even my phone number. I’m very pretty, intelligent, independent and I’m talkative and friendly. I mde an effort to start conversations with the 2 guys that I fancied recently: we talked but nothing followed. Asking men out is against my principles and I’d feel uncomfortable doing that. What am I doing wrong? Also, I still often think of my ex, although nowadays it’s the person and the friend that I’m missing as opposed to the man. I loved and respected him so much, and after what happened I just don’t know where to put him, what to think of him. This bothers me. What do you think I should do to put my thoughts on him to rest?
Andrew writes:
One of the most important ingredients for healing and moving on is to have a story that makes sense of why a relationship breaks up. I explain the four most common stories in my book ‘I love you but I’m not in love with you’. Please read it because I think it might begin to answer why he disappeared. The book is about people who find conflict difficult, so just bury their problems or pretend they don’t exist. It works for a while but eventually, there is so much hidden stuff that they can’t cope and run away.
Next, don’t feed your nostalgia for the old relationship. Put away the photos, switch radio station when ‘your song’ comes on and when he writes simply ignore the message. When your mind starts worrying about what you did wrong, just tell that inner voice the story why it didn’t work and then distract yourself with something nice.
Finally, be aware that craving and grieving are often the same thing. So if you are feeling nostalgic, don’t think ‘this was my one true love’ but ‘ahh that’s a bit of grieving, I will allow myself to be sad for a while and the feeling will pass’.
Once you’ve got your ex firmly in the past, you feel lighter and other people will sense that you are ‘available’ rather than caught up with someone else.
