Ask Andrew – 291
Dear Andrew,
I decided to write to you after reading your book.
I have a relationship with a man already 2 years and 3 months.
I met Charles when he was still married official or pub, but had been separated for over two years, just living in the same house.,
I’m living in Australia now.
Charles is a fascinating man, very intelligent, caring and lovely man has a wonderful heart and I really love him, but I do not know how it will end.
After a month together Charles decided to leave the house ( with ex wife and 3 kids) and moved into an apartment next to mine. In the first year was very hard he suffered and still suffers because of the threats and problems with ex-wife who really acts very unbalanced and have manipulative attitudes. He had all sorts of problems in this marriage the woman he cheated with man inside the house and he said he was in relationship to raise children, it is a very loving father, got a lot of times too much.
He had depression, everything blamed his ex wife, a pretty hardcore stuff it, or know how I managed to stay together, and after a while I realized that was not only that. this past year with anxiety attacks, but it seems that he is bipolar. We went to the psychiatrist, I had to deal with this very delicate because it is super sensitive and reactive and not accept what has really.
Currently he is on medication and it seems things improved somewhat, but not enough. I think he has the habit of discussing, and that’s a horrible thing and I’ve got no how to deal with these explosions and argue frequently.
He does not want to go into therapy, I already offered to do it together, but it seems that this is not going nowhere. Today I do not see a future perspective for this relationship because only thinking of living together that terrifies me, besides the fact that the three children, two girls with 9 and 16 yrs and a boy of 14.
I’ m psychologist, I do not know if this is a good thing or bad, but I just can not see a light at the end of this tunnel, if we do not do a therapy together that does not go anywhere. and he is very tough and does not want.
I can not do it for us, has to be the responsibility of both, this has given me sadness and I’m beginning to lose hope in this relationship
I do not know is that I’m closer to him, he ends up putting on me all his frustration or stress, lose patience to talk to me my accent irritates him ( English is my second language), I do not understand English well, everything is reason to argue, or love this ending ?
He says he loves me, and today if you talk to him he will find that everything is ok .. but not this …
I just feels sad because I really love him..I would love this relationship could works better..but i do not know what to do any more..
Andrew writes:
My alarm bells always ring when someone claims that they are separated but living in the same house as their ex and ‘just there to bring up the children’. I always wonder if that’s how the wife /husband and children see it. The prospective lover might claim to be a free agent but their partner often hopes the relationship is ‘savable’ and the children have closed their eyes and hope for the best. The result is that you have been pulled into a hornets nest.
My fear is, whether this is true or not, you’ve been saddled with the titles ‘home wrecker’ and ‘daddy stealer’ and will keep them come what may. There are a lot of angry people in that house and rather than looking at their own stuff, they are chucking it all at you. How horrible.
Next, I think you should ask yourself: what kind of relationship do I want? It sounds like all you’re being offered is either punch bag or nurse. Don’t you want more for yourself? No matter, how good the ‘good times’ are, do they really make up for this?
Finally, you need to consider why you accept so little in return for giving so much. As you are a therapist yourself, you’ll probably realise this comes from somewhere in your childhood. So instead of trying to patch him up, I’d put all that energy into looking after yourself instead.
