Ask Andrew – 292
Hi Andrew
My husband of 17yrs came out the other week with ILYB….. This came a shock to me. During the last 4 weeks since he said this I have since found out that he has slept with a colleague of his (who may have herpes) which is why he has been distant sexually with me. I can forgive him. He says he wants to stay with me, he loves me, finds me attractive and enjoys my company. He has said during the past few weeks that when he hit 50 (now 51) he thought he would feel his life is complete and it is not. He feels something is missing but does not know what.
He is showing me some love by cuddling and kissing occasionally. He is also happy to cuddle in bed by says I have to turn his head on. He also says I need to feed his soul.
Any idea on how I can make this marriage work as it is what both of us want.
Andrew writes:
If both of you want this marriage to work, you’ve half way to achieving the goal. That’s the good news, the bad news is that it will be a tough and difficult road. That’s why I’ve written: How can I ever trust you again? It shows how to understand what went wrong, solve the problems and move forward into a better relationship.
I have to say I started bristling when he wants you to ‘feed his soul’. What about him feeding his own soul? We are companions and help mates for our partners not a cross between a vicar and an entertainment’s manager. And don’t get me started on the idea that you should turn him on….. how about him helping you feel a wanted, attractive and sexy again? Basically, I suppose what I’m saying is where is your anger? Especially as he has potentially given you herpes!
It sounds like you are in the first stage of recovery – Shock. You need that anger to propel you through the next section – intense questioning – where you find out what really happened and test some of the things he’s saying. It’s only then when you reach stage three: decision time. It sounds like you’re getting ahead of yourself. Watch the video about the seven stages in Andrew TV – see this site – and read the book.
You will recover and emerge stronger but don’t rush too far ahead.
