Ask Andrew -293
Hello,
I havent read your book yet but have sent off for it. I was wondering if you could give me any insight into my marriage crisis. We have been married 26 years and i have always thought we were generally happy. I have been a stay at home mum and he has been the breadwinner. Because of his job he works 3 weeks and then gets 10 days off i have not really put a lot of effort into working myself because we always agreed that we could do things together on his days off and if i was working it would interfere with that. We have always spent all our spare time together although i have trained as a complementary therapist and kept up female friendships. He however has not done anything much on his own without me and has not had mates to hang around with. We have spent our spare time holidaying, days out , walks that sort of thing. I never thought for a moment that he resented me being at home all the time and available for him.
However this january i began to sense a change in him. He became critical, emotionally withdrew from me and just was generally off. We have 3 children, one lives away fully independant and the other two live at home with us. I put his change of character down to the fact that he had got promotion to a high powered job in the december. His behaviour gradually got worse and he eventually gave me the i love you but ….. line and infact became quite spiteful. He said he had spent all our marriage doing diy, was bored, bored with me, couldnt love me the way i wanted him to love me etc etc. He finally left one night after secretly packing his suitcase. This was in february and he has been gone 5 months. I am of course devastated and find it horrendous because he wont talk to me. The two children at home dont want anything to do with him and he hasnt bothered with them much either. I have continued to see him at regualar intervals which i have instigated. I have made it clear that i still love him and the door is open for him to come back.
I am blaming myself for him leaving as we havent always communicated that well, but i dont feel as if i should be doing this. I cant seem to get angry which worries me because friends and family think i should be after the way he has treated me. Because i havent worked much during our marriage i have depended on him totally and not developed myself and i feel that has driven him away. He did say that he wished i had gone out to work years ago to give us/him space but he never told me. He has been keeping things to himself for a long time and has not been happy for a few years. I am very soft and although i can be quite fiery we havent really argued much because he never would, although i would have to liked to.
When i see him for a coffee or he comes to the house he prefers it if we talk generally and not discuss anything that has happened that is very frustrating for me as i am still looking for answers as to why he left. I have visited 3 psychics (im ashamed to say) who have all said he is having an affair and my gut instinct tells me that he is. He firmly denies this and says he is happy living with his divorced (new) male friend who he knows from work. He likes doing what he wants and dosent want the responsibility of marriage, homeowner and i think parent. But he likes to dip in and out when he feels like it. Is he having a mid life crisis? I wish i knew. I do not know how to handle him. Do i contact him, reassure him, get angry with him, have no contact. I am at a loss how to proceed. He will not tell me anything. Fortunately he is paying for the house, bills food etc so i dont have to worry. I have managed to get myself a part time job and am trying to think about me which is hard after all these years. I love him and want him to come back but he is not interested in even trying. Sorry to go on is there anything you can suggest. Thank you
Andrew writes:
I’m really pleased that you have ordered my book because I think it will really help. Firstly, it will stop you from feeling that this is all your fault – one of the themes of ILYB is that problems are ‘six of one and half a dozen of the other’ – secondly, you’ll realise that your situation is far from rare and you’ll feel less alone.
There is also information in the book about ‘mid-life crisis’ but please don’t call it that as it will put your husband’s back up and end the conversation straight away. But in a nutshell this is what has been happening….. we start out down one path when we’re in our twenties and thirties (which makes sense with young children and making a role for yourself) but it is highly unlikley that we’ll want exactly the same at forty or fifty something. Unfortunately, instead of talking about making the necessary changes, many people just say ‘I’ve got to do x or y’ and or ‘I can’t let people down’ so plough on – regardless of how miserable something is making them feel. They cope for a while by drinking more or working harder (anything to distract themselves) but as the real problems are not being addressed – or even thought about – the crisis gets worse and one day the person cannot cope anymore. The only solution seems to run away from all their responsibilities. There’s only one problem…. the person feels horrible for letting everyone down. Sadly instead of stopping and addressing their issues, they go manic (running around like a teenager – with even more distraction techniques) get depressed or have an affair (as the electricity of flirtation and the easy passion of new ‘love’ works like a drug to make them, temporarily feel better).
In the meantime, the partner of someone in a midlife crisis feels rejected, angry and hurt. It’s only natural but it makes the person in the midlife crisis feel even more guilty (and that can push them further into their particular coping mechanism). There’s another horrible twist in this saga….. your partner’s mid life crisis will spark your own! This is why you’re thinking – why didn’t I work earlier, what do I want to do now the children don’t need me so much, what am I going to do with the rest of my life.
So what should you do? First, stop being so hard on yourself. You should not expect yourself to spot your husband’s on-coming crisis. Second, stop ‘talking up’ your old life. I know you want him to think it wasn’t all bad – but this just puts you in the enemy camp rather than a potential help-mate. Thirdly, start thinking about what you’d like to change about your own life, what you want to do next. It’s easy for me to write but much harder to do (but hopefully you’ll get a sense of what he’s been going through).
Finally, once you’ve been through the book and thought about your own mid-life changes talk to your husband. By this I don’t mean, diagnosing his problems and setting out a course of action (he has to solve his own crisis) but telling him how you’ve been feeling looking back over the last few years with the benefit of hindsight know that changes should have been made earlier. Talk about your regrets and what you wish had been different. Then listen to him, really listen, ask questions but don’t expect a magic one line answer. Slowly over time, he will begin to make his own sense of all this.
My hope is that you will come out of this mess together, but you will need to be patient with yourself, with him and accept that it will take time. (You could also read ‘Single Trap’ as the first half of the book is about working on yourself.) Next year, I have a book out called ‘Help your partner say yes’ and if you’re still stuck, this will help you over the last hurdle. Good luck
