Ask Andrew – 294
Dear Andrew
My current partner and i was married before, but due to her obsession with an ex we got divorced. We subsequently got back together and i have to admit i did not treat her the way i should once we reconciled.
About two and a half years ago she e-mailed me to tell me that she met someone else and is leaving me.
This was extremely traumatic for me and i fought to keep her (we have 2 kids together). We spoke about what i was doing wrong and since then i made an effort to not repeat my mistakes.
We agreed to stay together and i proposed to her again and we got engaged. My only request was that she do not have any contact with this person, which she ageed to. Twice she secretly got in touch with this person and opened up a level of conversation (under the premise – He is only a friend).
This destroyed me, but i still forgave and took her back.
In the past 6 months, we had again 3 situations where i found out that she secretly remains in touch with this person (to the point where she created a secret e-mail account called ‘sexi_eyez’) to fool me and so i do not find out about this. Again, we dealt with the situation and i forgave her, but cannot forget, especially as when we cancelled the e-mail account i noticed that the password to the account was something to the fact that ‘i love you **** (persons nick name).
Every day is a battle for me and she promises me that it will never happen again, but after 5 times going through the same thing with her and this 3rd person (who by the way is in a relationship she is aware of), and i find it difficult to trust her even though i love her so much. I am afraid that she is continuing this relationship and have found other ways of doing this without my knowledge.
Am i a sucker for punishment and is there hope for us?
Andrew writes:
There is most definitely hope, lots and lots of hope. In fact, I have a whole chapter in my book – How can I ever trust you again – which explains how to prolong and build on this hope. So please buy it and read it. While you’re waiting for it to arrive, look at my video about the seven stages of recovery. It sounds like you are stuck in ‘Attempt Normality’ where you try harder and pretend everything is OK but don’t solve the underlying problems that caused the infidelity in the first place.
Although most of what I need to say is covered in the book, I will make one observation about your letter. You seem to make big dramatic gestures, hoping this will sort everything out . So you divorce. You propose. You forgive everything. You’ll never forgive and want nothing more to do with her. Unfortunately, this just keeps your marriage in perpetual crisis.
Generally, stuff is not so black and white. Okay, you’ve had a set back on the road to recovery but it’s not the end of the world. (See how I’ve found somewhere grey between all the extremes). So be reassured, you will get through all of this and prosper but it takes time and lots of small changes. Look at my book ‘I love you but I’m not in love with you’ and the chapter on ‘tipping points´ and how small steps are nearly always more effective and less scary than big ones. Best of all, in the long-term, they make lasting improvements to your relationship.
