Ask Andrew – 296
Dear Andrew,
I have been in a relationship with a man who I consider to be the love of my life for five years. Over the past five years we have had a few break ups but have always come back together because of the strength of our love for one another. We have been together whilst he overcame an almost fatal bike accident and have withstood a number of long distance work and University commitments.
Unfortunately I have recently been going through a very rough time, working seven days a week, studying for a new career, not being able to go out due to lack of finances and living away from my partner for work. In addition to this I have been having counselling with my Father, whom I cut out of my life for many years due to an affair he had whilst married to my Mother which subsequently led to her attempted suicide and divorce. I have not been coping very well with all of this and then recently my Grandfather died, which has made me extremely emotional.
Looking back over this I feel I have been getting extremely depressed and have cut off friends and a normal social life. This all caused me to feel extremely upset, confused and stressed and I began to take this out on my partner who I love dearly. Due to the counselling and my current situation I started to question myself and my relationship and one day an old male friend, whom I had previously dated offered to meet for a chat and I agreed, as it felt like a form of release from all my problems. We met a few times and he showed me the fun I had been missing out on with my partner due to the distance between us and our work commitments. Having seen one another four or five times, one thing led to another and I cheated on my partner. I know this was very wrong and I was very aware of how damaging my behaviour had become. I became more and more depressed by my actions and knew that I had to tell my partner.
I visited my partner two weeks ago and we had a huge heart to heart about how I’d been feeling and we told one another how much we loved one another and how we were everything to each other. It was a very beautiful moment and I just couldn’t bring myself to tell him about my infidelity. The next morning he came up to the room while I lay in bed and threw my phone at me saying he’d been through the entire thing and seen messages from me to the other person in question. He told me to leave the house immediately and hasn’t spoken to me since. I begged him to let me explain but he would hear nothing of it and has since refused to discuss it or reply to any of my text messages.
I am trying very hard to give him the space and time he needs and deserves but I am very desperate. I realise the error of my ways and I am now surer than ever that he is the man of my dreams and the man I am supposed to be with. I am overcome with guilt and depression and cannot explain how much sense of loss I am feeling at my own stupidity. I know that I do not deserve his forgiveness for my actions but I was not in a good place at the time and I now realise that my mistake may have cost me the one person I want to spend the rest of my life with. I do respect him and I do love him and this was never in question regardless of what my actions may suggest.
Please can you tell me if there is any hope for me, as I am desperate to make sense of all of this and am willing to do anything to show him how remorseful I am. I love him with all my heart and I strongly believe that we are linked and bonded to one another in a very deep and meaningful way, as it was love at first sight and I have never felt such an incredible connection with anyone before. It’s as though we are meant to be and I am willing to work very hard to make him trust me again.
Andew writes:
You have learned the hard way that honesty is always the best policy and although its been a tough lesson, it could be the saving of your relationship and ultimately your sanity.
So what should you do? Your partner does not want to talk or answer a text – partly because he’s angry but mainly because the last time you had a heart to heart you lied to him. And it’s not just the cheating but you kept back all sort of information about how hard the counselling with your father has been, how depressed you’ve become and how much you needed a bit of fun in your life. If you’d been keeping him updated on all these factors, you would have had no need to ‘chat’ with an old boyfriend and certainly wouldn’t have seen him as the answer to all your prayers.
Your new policy of honesty should start with a long letter which explains everything that’s been going on. Your letter to me could act as a good starting point. Next, you should read ‘How can I ever trust you again?’. You will discover that it’s perfectly possible to rebuild a relationship after infidelity but it takes time – not just promises not to repeat the mistakes again – and working on the fundamental problems in your relationship. In this case, it is probably the distance and understanding why you’ve split up so often in the past. Ultimately love alone is not enough, you need personal insight, respect for each other and hard work too.
