Ask Andrew – 297
Dear Andrew
I’m not quite sure how to start this so I’ll just go for it. Me and my husband have been married for nearly 2 years, our relationship has some what been a roller-coaster from the very beginning, we met when he used to work for my mum i was 14 and he was 18. We lost contact as he went off to uni and i was in a relationship which lasted 5 years. He came back in my life i was like a 14yr again, got butterflies when ever i saw him, this is when i made the decision that i could no longer be with my ex and that i loved Chris.
We got together straight away everything was fantastic. then i lost my job and shortly after fell pregnant with our son, things were good and i went back to work just 1month after our son was born. But i found my self not wanting to make love any more, Chris blamed the fact i was on the injection he said it made my emotions flat, so i came off it, and well things for me still haven’t changed. i never feel in the mood and its not that i don’t love him or want him i just cant seem to get in the mood. and i know it makes him feel rejected, i don’t mean to do that.
I’ve read you book “i love you but I’m not in love” loads of times just wanted to know if there was another advice you could give me. I’m desperate to get my marriage back on track and i know a lot of the problems are to do with intimacy.
thanks in advance
Andrew writes:
It is very common for women not to feel spontaneously horny during the first two years after giving birth. All the bonding hormones go towards the child rather that their partner and it takes a while for the body to recover from the trauma of birth and all the hormones to go back to their normal levels. It does not mean that mothers cannot feel desire again, but that it is has to be created, slowly but surely. Unfortunately, their partners can feel abandoned and angry, pester for sex and don’t let their partner’s interest in lovemaking build (because it is always done to keep him happy and quiet rather than because the woman has any desire).
What you need to do is build some bridges from the everyday world of baby, bills and running the hosue into the passionate world of love and desire. (It’s the topic of the book I’ve currently writing but it’ll not be available until 2012). From your letter it sounds like you will need help to negotiate these bridges, so show your husband my letter, reassure him that you want to fix this problem and book an appointment with RELATE or a couple counsellor. They will assess your issues and put together a programme of graduated intimacy with starts with sensual touching and slowly builds up to having passionate intercourse again.
