Ask Andrew – 298
Dear Andrew,
I had an affair with a man and fell in love with him. I knew when I got married that I was not in love with my spouse. I get confused when I hear that I can “fall back in love” with my spouse because I never was in love with him. Is it possible for me to fall in love with him at all? He is not someone I have very much chemistry with – but I did have tremendous chemistry with my affair partner. I have told my husband those exact words – that I love him but am not in love with him. It confuses him as well. However, as I stated, I never was in love with him – married him because I thought he was “safe” and wouldn’t break my heart (I had been in love before and was hurt).
Another question: I hear “no one needs to settle” from others a lot. If I cannot find the chemistry or “in love” feeling with my husband and I’m 45 – at the height of my sexuality – do i need to settle? I’m so torn it’s not even funny. Yes, I had an affair which exposed my sexuality (I thought I didn’t need sex because i hated it so much with my husband). However, we have 5 children and it has already been a rough year of trying to save the marriage. I have stopped communication with the other man and have been working towards reconnecting with my husband. He does not seem to be as invested in the marriage because, although he claims to be in love with me, I see no caring gestures and he does not fulfil my deepest needs of appreciation and – let’s face it – admiration. I have told him these things! It’s not like I don’t communicate with him. I have been brutally honest with my husband and he’s still here, wondering when I’ll fall in love with him. I just don’t see him doing things to make me fall in love!!! He is out of work and depends on me for so many things. I get so frustrated with our situation and we are almost separated. I typed up a separation agreement just the other day. How do I fall in love and feel what I felt for my affair partner and my other love of many years ago? If it isn’t possible, I want to end this for once and for all and move ahead alone and hopefully find someone who will be my love and lover.
Andrew writes:
You ask a lot of questions in your letter, but I’d like to start by asking you a question. Did you feel loved as a child? My guess is that you probably had a difficult and painful relationship with your parents.The result is that you’ve had a difficult relationship with love ever since. On one hand, you crave love and on the other, you do your best to hold it at arms length (and deliberately marry a man that you don’t love.) It sounds like you are in a terrible mess but I wonder if you understand what love really is? I know that last remark will come across like a slap – but let me explain why I say it and how it might dig you out of this mess.
If you weren’t loved as a child, it is really hard to recognise it as an adult. I know you’ve felt a great connection with your affair partner but I wonder if it is possible to truly love someone with whom you’re having an affair. The secrecy, the forbidden sex, and flouting convention throws so much passion onto the fire, it is impossible to know what you truly feel – until everything is out in the open and this ‘love’ has been tested in the real world. Most people discover in the cold light of day that they felt lust (occasionally a true relationship can be built from the ashes of an affair – but only 2% of all affairs end in marriage and these are twice as likely as the average to fail.) There is more about the bubble world of affairs in my book ‘How can I ever trust you again?’
In your letter, you complain that your husband is doing nothing to help you fall in love. But if your heart and your mind is closed, I guess it would be very hard for him to fulfil ‘your deepest needs’. It sounds like, you’re asking him to ‘boost’ you up and make you love yourself. Ultimately only you can fill this role. Sure, your partner can be there to cheer you on and offer support but only you can fill that deep hole inside.
Please read my book, ‘I love you but I’m not in love with you’ because it will explain about the different kinds of love and how love changes over time. Sadly, you can’t feel the same love as for your affair partner – because it was an illusion built on lies and fantasy – and as for your original partner that could easily have been limerence (the crazy walking on air stuff from the beginning of a relationship but which does not last forever.)
So can someone fall in love with their partner? Yes. If they can learn to respect him or her and open their heart. As for sex problems, they can be sorted by learning to communicate sexually (contact RELATE for help).
My guess is that you are incredibly angry with me, think I know nothing about love and have already switched off. But my hope is that you’ll think about your childhood and how the lack of love has distorted your understanding of true love, you’ll get some individual help so that you learn to fill yourself up (rather than expect other people to do the job – because that will always end in tears) and then you’ll be in a position to judge whether your marriage has a future or not. This is a lot of work but with five children together, it is best to think long and hard before jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire.
I know I have been brutal but I hope this is going to be a turning point and help you finally move forward.
