Ask Andrew – 299
Dear Andrew,
I am 33 years old and can’t seem ever to settle into a relationship. I perpetually have what a friend has called ‘intrigue’ – i.e. there are plenty of men around, showing interest; often these interests become more than that but are always short-lived (or if not short lived then casual/sexual over a long period of time); and are often rather traumatic in nature. Either I am attracted to men who are for some reason unavailable through relationship or just emotionally; or often I am attracted to ‘bad boy’ types who ultimately treat me horribly. It all feels a bit of a mess. Actually it seems to link into other aspects of my life which are not strikingly out of control but feel vaguely dysfunctional.
My question, I suppose, is why it all seems to be getting worse as I get older?! The men more plural, yet the relationships ever more risque or short-lived. In many ways I am increasing in confidence and self-awareness, so I don’t really understand why I this doesn’t seem to translate into more successful relationships. I am beginning to feel like a freak! I would love to have some counseling through you, but I see that your waiting list is closed; can you recommend another service?
I hope to hear from you, thank you -
Andrew writes:
You are to be congratulated for spotting the patterns, realising it has something to do with you (rather than just blaming the men) and making the commitment to do something about it.
So let’s look at some of the questions in your letter. Why does it get worse as I get older? Firstly, the men are probably getting older and have more ‘history’ to negotiate; they are more set in their ways and more dysfunctional. Secondly, it sounds like your intrigues have been a distraction (to stop you looking at the core underlying problems) and like any drug, you need stronger and bigger doses to get the same reaction.
I can assure you that you’re not a freak. There are thousands of people in just the same situation – although few of them have the courage and the clear eyes with which you’re approaching this problem. So what should you do? If you have not read ‘The Single Trap’ please do so. It will help you understand the source of these problems (probably in your relationship with your father and mother and their relationship with each other, as these set the template for how we approach life).
As you know, my waiting list is currently closed – as it will take me six months to work through everybody on it – but I am still running workshops. These will give you a chance to explore the issues with other people going through something similar. You will feel less a freak, gain the support of others and be able to help them in return. These are truly wonderful days and I think you would benefit. As for recommending another service, if you are in London contact the Tavistock Centre for Couple Relationships and outside Relate.
