Ask Andrew – 300
Dear Andrew,
4 years ago my husband bought me this book. We had been to ‘Relate’ and both sat their stubbornly, defences up.I foolishly did not read ILYB for months, whereas he did. After 18 months of me telling him I didn’t love him he gave up and filed for divorce, whence of course I realised I did actually still love and want him. We have 2 young children.
If only I had read the book with him/ sooner I may have been able to save our marriage.
You advise to try not keep the same friends and not to think about the past. I knew him for 20 years so how do I have happy memories but stop wishing we were together?
Andrew writes:
What an incredibly sad letter but I think that goes with the territory. A marriage breakdown is sad, but few people listen to their regrets and mourn what has happened. They just press blindly onto the future. So what should you do?
Have you talked about your regrets to your husband? It might help to look back together and understand what went wrong. Being open and honest will certainly help you be good parents together in the future. Who knows, he might feel something similar and you have the beginning of a longer conversation. More likely, he will have regrets too and you can mourn and properly mark the ending of your marriage (and beginning of being co-parents) together.
Next year, I have a book called ‘Heal and Move On’ and one of the main points is that we need to look back before we can move forward. Partly so we can put together the story of why our relationship ended (this is also covered in Chapter 15 of ILYB) but mainly so we can learn to be ourselves again (rather than one half of a relationship). There is more about this is in ‘The Single Trap’ Chapter Four – recovering from a previous long term relationship.
Finally, be aware that mourning and craving are incredibly similar and it is easy to get the two of them mixed up. So keep reading, being honest with yourself and slowly but surely you will find a balance between honouring the past and opening yourself up to the future. Good luck.
