Ask Andrew – 301
Hello Andrew,
My 7-year relationship ended 14-months ago and our divorce is settled. We still live relatively close by & see each other on several occasions weekly when picking up & dropping our daughter.
My question is what we should do about the underlying feelings for each other which don’t seem to be lessening for either of us yet.
My wife had a discrete exploratory affair with a neighbour grown out of a friendship at the time of our separation which ended recently & has now entered the world of online dating, flirting with younger men on Facebook etc. However, we have been drawn back together three or four times in the last year, mostly co-inciding with periods of anxiety for her (eg: self & family medical episodes) when I step-in initially for childcare & end up providing wider support and a familiar broad shoulders to cry on. Whilst I realise I’m effectively being used, I enjoy having an active provider family role again & cherish the days that we do all spend together. I guess I’m hoping that one day she’ll grow up and “see the light”, whilst constantly giving her more scope, when I should be drawing a line & waiting to see if she comes back of her own accord.
Ironically she divorced me for being domineering & controlling, the very elements so valued when we have a family crisis & are drawn back together again. Each time she realises a little more that I’m actually a decent man, good father and we have a lot of fun together – there is a strong physical attraction & a lot of shared good times. I know she is currently enjoying her new-found single life with no-one around to “tell her what to do”, but we miss each others company terribly though both struggle to see a future together where she can be independent & I can feel secure in our relationship.
Andrew writes:
Reading your letter I’m pulled in two contradictory directions, I fully understand how you are not ready to move on and how the initial attraction between you and your wife can be reignited by distance and a family crisis. No wonder, you’re hoping this could be the beginning of something incredible. However, I’m worried that you could get stuck in the past and while your wife’s laying down the foundations for a new relationship while you’re stuck in the past.
So what do I advise? Firstly, everybody travels into the future at their own pace. So give yourself time and if you’re not ready to close the door on your wife that’s fine. However, don’t think of extra help for childcare as ‘being used’ but a chance to deepen and protect your relationship with your children. Secondly, I think you should review the situation at six months and eighteen months into the future. If your wife has not realised the emptiness of flirting on face-book etc by then, it’s unlikely that she ever will.
In the meantime, do some work on yourself and understand why you have been domineering and controlling, so that you’re not likely to fall into that trap again (either with your wife or in a future relationship). To start this process, you might find the first half of ‘The Single Trap’ useful. (Next year, please read three of my new Seven Steps books: ‘Are you right for me?’ and ‘Help your partner say yes’ – which covers how to win someone back – and Heal and Move On.)
Good luck.
