Ask Andrew – 302
* Ever since I can remember I felt under emotional siege from my family.
* As a child I would rock and suck my index and second finger on my right hand as a form of comfort. I still regularly rock myself to sleep.
* I always felt like an outsider within my family. I never really felt like I fitted in.
* I always had a fraught relationship with my mother, but I knew she had a very hard life and did the best she could. I will always love her for that. She died when I was thirty one years old.
* I also dearly dearly loved my dad. He too had a hard life, and sometimes it show with acts brutally violent against my eldest brother and only once against me. To my deep shame,
I have to say I was afraid of him. He died when I was twenty three years old.
* I have two older brothers. The eldest I do not speak to and, the second lives abroad. I speak to him maybe once a year.
* I was sexually abused by my elder brother when at the age of six.
* I have a half sister who is in her sixites. I try to be close to her, but again I am afraid of her. She has a lot of emotional problems and spent sometime in a mental institution. When she gets angry she can be very nasty and cruel.
* I was sexually assaulted by my first driving instructor at the age of seventeen. I still can’t drive, but I’ve decided to learn again this autumn.
* Since my father died, I have seen numerous counsellors, therapists and psychiatrists. And lately been a regular caller to the Samaritans.
* I have some very good close friends, but I can only tell them so much. They have their own lives and burdens to deal with.
God, I’ve got my traumas down to pat. so much so, I can bullet point them. Scary.
From looking at the above you can obviously tell I led a very solitary, lately very lonely life.
But now I feel ready to change all that. After nearly twenty of working in my chosen field. I now have a job that I absolutely love doing and pays me a very good wage.
For the very first time in my life I feel good enough.
Good enough to love and be loved by someone.
Good enough to have a good man in my life who loves me.
Good enough to be a mother
More than enough to be honest.
I feel I have well and truly earned the right to say I am good enough.
And I want my prize. But I have no idea of how to go about getting it.
I want be a great girlfriend, great wife and -yes even at the age of forty four – a great mother.
But how do I go about doing it?
That is now what’s making me feel lonely and depressed.
Andrew writes:
Let’s start with the good stuff first….. you have a great job that’s giving you lots of confidence and you are proud to say you’re good enough for love. Hallelujah. The really good news is that if you feel good enough about yourself, you’ll meet other people who feel good about themselves (because like attracts like) and you’ll make a great relationship.
I find that many people like yourself, who have turned the corner and starting to explore love, have only a hazy idea of how good relationships work (because you’ve only seen destructive ones) but the good news is that relationship skills can be taught.
So here’s what you do. Start with ‘The Single Trap’ as it will explain the laws of attraction and the coping strategies with being single which can people single. It also has advice on how to look for love and what to expect each step of the way from first date to knowing if this relationship is a keeper or not. Next read, ‘I love you but I’m not in love with you’ as this explains how good relationships work and how to keep yours on track.
It sounds like you’ve come a long way, keep strong and the good times are ahead – well done.
Finally, thank you for posting your story as I think it will inspire other people to keep moving forward through their dark days.
