Ask Andrew – 304
Hello Andrew,
l am intrigued by what l have been reading, and decided to grab some insight too. I was in a beautiful relationship for 8 years, in love completely with a boy/man 8 years my junior. It was so raw and natural between us, we both were on a high most of the time. We had met at university when l was 25 years, the first few years were on/off and testing for us both. His mum was dying of cancer, and he seemed to cope with that and university. After university his mums cancer was getting the better of her, so he needed to go back to his parents, some 400 miles away. During this time l only saw him on average once a month for about a year. It was hard for me to do the distance, but that was nothing compared too watching his mum die.
After his mum died he went away for 5 weeks, l just let him be and gave him space. On his return we decided he would move in with me. l was very happy, he had always wanted to go abroad to work, so we both went together to work abroad for 3 months. When we returned we lived together in my home town, some 600 miles from his family.
There were issues when we lived together, from my mum, she would interfere in our relationship, manipulate my boyfriend, disrespect him, and demand that he give her car lifts because she was my mother. I confronted her but she always thought it funny and that it was not serious, this bothered me and my boyfriend, their relationship had been rocky from the start as my mother was defensive and i think childish. I can see she was jealous and didn’t want him to take me away from her. I did have to lay the law down with her once and say if she did not like my boyfriend that was her problem and not mine.
I was always in the middle, and mostly tried to keep the peace, maybe at the detriment to my boyfriend, when l look back. My mum was hard work, and did some spiteful things to me during that relationship. My boyfriend had always wanted to teach TEFL abroad, we discussed him leaving for a year, and l planned visiting him twice after 3 months.
All the time he was abroad he was unhappy, he wanted to leave his job, as did not meet his expectations and was struggling on his own. When l flew out to see him he was in crisis, he left his job, his dad had been sectioned back in the UK, he said he didn’t know who he was and that he was a failure. After a strained week together an hour before l was due to leave he broke up with me. Saying ILYB we were more like brother and sister, my mum disrespected him too many times, and that upon meeting him for the very first time, he felt l was negative about his body.
Of course l was shocked, he had been distant, lethargic, but after the emotional roller-coaster he was on l expected that behaviour. He told me he may regret his decision, but right now that’s what he wanted.
It was a very painful time for me, l had a 3 month trip travelling with friends to do after leaving him. The first month was rotten, and l did speak to him a month later, asking him if he felt it was the right decision. He said yes, so l resigned myself to the end of that relationship. I sent him one email to never get in touch with me ever again,and he has kept to this.
It has been 18 months and l am still dealing with the loss of my friend, and lover. I can deal with anything, I’m very strong but l feel what we had was so special, and if there was anyway back l might just take it.
I need to move on, I’ve had 1 fling since. I’m rubbish at flirting, this is the first time I’ve been single since the age of 22 years. I can be on my own, but l love to love and be loved. I need strategies to help me move on with the next chapter in my life.
I have since left the UK, away from my mother, as l needed to get her out of my hair, and feel happier in myself. She will have to take care of herself from now on.
Sorry this is so long, good to get it off your chest though
Thank you.
Andrew writes:
Sometimes it is a curse to be strong. The problem is that by picking yourself up and marching forward, you don’t stop and learn enough about what went wrong – and this is a vital ingredient in healing and moving on. At the moment, the problems in the relationship are all external – your mum, his mother’s death – but you need to understand how and why you became brother and sister not lovers. (My guess is that you didn’t argue enough.) So what would you change if you had your time all over again?
Please read ‘The Single Trap’ because it has a chapter explaining how to recover from a long term relationship and having a fling (to get your ex out of your head) does not count. Unfortunately, it just reminds you how wonderful, in comparison, your ex boyfriend was.
The good news, however, is that eighteen months is a vital turning point in recovery. It might feel like you’re stuck but with a little reading and thought, you could soon be ready for love again.
Good luck.
