Ask Andrew – 305
Dear Andrew
I would really appreciate your perspective on my situation. I met a man via the internet following a 2 month correspondence. We are both in our late 40s. He was the sole carer for his terminally ill mother when we first started to write to each other and to be honest, I really wasn’t sure about where it might lead. The emails were open and honest and quite philosophical – not the flirty sort of exchanges that can occur. But we seemed to like each other and have lots in common
When we met (a month following the loss of his mother) he seemed totally infatuated with me and I just liked him. I was quite guarded and thought he needed time to assimilate his recent experiences – and thought him possibly vulnerable. But over 6 weeks, we dated and grew closer, I dropped my guard a little and grew to like him a lot. We started a sexual relationship which was a really positive thing for both of us.
Since then, however, he has cooled dramatically – wondering about his capacity to emotionally commit… and talking of not wanting to hurt me and thinking about how he is going to get on with his life…. although he says he still cares for me and cannot imagine us not staying in contact….
Is this a classic blow hot and cold situation? My inclination is to just end it here and now so that I don’t get hurt. But I’m not sure whether in his post-bereavement situation this particular course of action might be premature….
Andrew writes:
Thanks for such an interesting question, as someone who has gone through a serious bereavement (the death of my first partner) I can easily step into your boyfriend’s shoes.
The death of someone close turns your life upside down – especially if you have been the sole carer. The pain is overwhelming and you want it go away and just be normal again. So in the immediate aftermath, it is very common to throw yourself into a new relationship. (I did just that myself.) Not surprisingly, the relationship is very intense and for a while that’s just what someone bereaved needs (as you can forget your loss). It’s almost a comfort blanket. However, pretty soon, you realise that the other person has feelings too. (I know that sounds obvious but when you’re bereaved you’re so exhausted you’re running on only three brain cells) Also when you’re red raw – it feels like all your essential organs are on the outside – you can hardly cope with your own mood swings, let alone anyone elses. The default situation is to switch off and retreat.
So to answer your question, I don’t think this is just a classic blow hot and cold. So I wouldn’t automatically walk away. Having said that, the picture is very complex. So deep breath, how do you move forward? First, ask yourself: why have I allowed myself to become involved with someone who is not truly available (because of first being a sole carer and then through grief). Baring in mind, ‘like attracts like’ – what’s stopping you from being truly available. Just a guess, do you need to grieve an old relationship? Is someone out of your life but still hanging around?
Next, you need to talk to your boyfriend. Show him my reply and get him to tell you if my guesses are right and to elaborate on how he’s feeling. It could be with a bit of TLC and supporting him from a distance for a while, your fledgling relationship could take flight. Bereavement is a time of huge growth and he might be ready to look at how he’s reached 40 something and is still single. The death of his mother might, in some way, free him to be a true adult and settle down. That’s the optimistic stuff, but I wouldn’t be entirely truthful if I’d didn’t wonder if this was a mini-relationship for him (short, healing but a stepping stone to something else). Maybe it’s a mini-relationship for you too, think about what you’ve discovered about yourself too.
Hopefully, I have clarified rather than muddied your thoughts. Good luck and tread carefully.
