Ask Andrew – 306
Andrew
I hope you will be able to offer me some advice – sorry if this is long!
My husband said “ILYB” about 6 months ago. 3 months after the “ILYB” I discovered, via texts, that he had been unfaithful with an ex-girlfriend. He claimed it didn’t mean anything and that he would stop all contact with her.
I believed him. I accepted that we had grown apart over the past few years whilst bringing up our children (4 and 2) and setting up our business. We started marriage counselling but my husband said that he couldn’t think about our relationship as the business was struggling and he couldn’t see the wood for the trees. He also said that he could not imagine ever being intimate with me again given that our sex life has been virtually non-existent these past four years.
We struggled along – having some very nice date nights but him still having some sort of mental block about any sort of affection. About a month ago we had a counselling session and our counsellor told me to stop waiting for him to make the first move (a previous agreement) as it wasn’t working and we had to start somewhere. My husband reacted as if the thought of me trying to hold his hand or hug or kiss him scared the living daylights out of him!
Alarm bells rang. I checked his phone records and, sure enough, he had been in contact with his ex-girlfriend throughout the past 6 months. He was calling/texting her up to 200 times per month. No wonder he couldn’t be intimate with me – maybe it felt like cheating on her?
I called him (he has been working away where his ex-girlfriend lives) and asked him calmly whether he was still in touch with her and whether he was still sleeping with her. He said he hadn’t been in touch with her for at least a couple of months and that he was not sleeping with her.
I went ballistic and called him all the names under the sun. I asked him if he would stop seeing her and come home but he said no to both.
I made a few mistakes when I found out the affair was continuing (such as telling my Mum – I’m not sure she’ll ever be able to forgive him) as I truly believed he wanted nothing more to do with me.
However, he then sat on the fence. I kept pressurising him to make a decision which he seemed completely unable to make (another mistake I now realise).
Over the past month we have managed to remain fairly civil – in fact, we have been pretty friendly for the majority of the time. We can’t not see each other because of the children but also because the business needs sorting out. I have to rise above my anger the majority of the time.
Last week he moved back in but after 48 hours we had a massive row ending with him saying he didn’t feel anything for me, he didn’t want to try and he left again. The next day we both realised that the row had been six of one half a dozen of the other. I had been grilling him 24/7 about the affair and his feelings (or lack of them) and although he answered my questions he did not want to live like that on a daily basis.
I am trying to get back to the rhythms and routines of my life. I have started a couple of new hobbies. I am taking more care of my appearance/clothes for the first time in years. I am trying to live in the moment and not worry about a distant future but this is, obviously, incredibly hard when my world is falling apart.
We are about to try again – he still says he “thinks” he wants to fall back in love with me. However, I have several problems..
Firstly, he really does not want to go back to counselling and I’m not sure we can deal with this mess by ourselves.
Secondly, he keeps going away to where the other woman lives as we have a house there which, he says, is his “sanctuary” from our relationship and the business issues. This latter behaviour seems very selfish on his part – I have no sanctuary and have to stay in our house, facing our friends and looking after the children.
Thirdly – there is no trust! He has lied once already about finishing with her. I desperately want to believe him when he says that that he is no longer seeing her. There is no evidence on his phone records (which he lets me see). However he tells me that she still calls/texts him occasionally. I also realise he could just have another phone. My head spins with the possibility it is still going on behind my back regardless of how often he says it isn’t.
If he refuses to stop travelling there for the immediate future should I ask him to stay out of the marital home? I feel I may be damaging my self respect by being so trusting so soon after the second revelation.
I am also wondering if he is “overburdened and overwhelmed” due to the business – one of your “diversions” in HCIETYA. If so, should I “retreat” for 6 months as advised in the book? If so, what exactly do you mean by “retreat”? How do you ensure that, at some point, the issues get addressed?
Ideally I would like to let him move back in and see if we can get along – we have two small children and neither of us are that keen on a trial separation (he has done nothing about finding accommodation for the past month).
How do you think we should proceed? We just don’t seem to have a plan!
Thanks for your time.
Andrew writes:
It sounds like you’re both exhausted, overwhelmed and living on your nerves. I want to calm both of you down and take some of the pressure of the situation. So how are we going to achieve that?
My worry is that he is still in danger of yo-yoing back to the other woman – not because he really loves her but because many people confuse grieving with craving. (Thinking about someone, what happened, what went wrong, how or if it could have been different, is all part of bereavement but many people think this is craving and either drop an email ‘just to see how she’s doing’ or take her phone call and either they’re bound back into the affair again or their partner finds out and it feels like still cheating). My other concern is that ‘thinking’ he wants to try again is NOT ENOUGH – especially as he has slipped and fell back into cheating before. Your relationship is in last chance saloon and I doubt it would recover from other pointless and destructive yo-yo. Therefore he has to WANT to try again and that has to include going to counselling (because you’re right this is tough on your own.)
My next worries are about you. Not surprisingly, you are very angry. Heavens knows, you have plenty to be angry about. However, it is standing in the way of really talking because everything feels so personal at the time.
So here is my suggestion of a plan. Either set him free to return to this woman – and discover once and for all that his feelings and thinking has been distorted by bubble world. Alternatively, he moves in with his mum and dad for a month to six weeks. This will give him and you a chance to recover, for the adrenaline to stop coursing through your body and be able to talk constructively (about what went wrong and how your relationship can be different). He will then make a conscious choice to return (which will make you feel better about yourself) rather than drifting back.
My guess is that once he’s stopped and drawn breath (and you’ve concentrated on looking after yourself and the kids), you will both be able to start again (and then the truly hard work starts). Re-read HCIETYA and look at ILYB (if you haven’t already) and in the spring get a copy of ‘Help you partner say ‘yes” as it has a useful chapter on coming back from the brink.
Good luck.
