Ask Andrew – 307
Hi Andrew,
I have just bought this book for my wife of 10 yrs, together 16, 2 kids, 10 + 8.
Cutting to the chase last month my wife made this announcement which has had a devastating effect on me, and her. I was totally unaware of how she had been feeling for the last few years but had noticed her mood and intimacy had changed in the last 6 months but had put it down to work pressures.
It has had this effect on me because I have always been deeply in love with her, have always tried to reduce her workload at home with chores and the kids, told her daily how much I love her and showed her by romantic gestures, gave her freedom to do what she wants and supported her fully in any of her decisions and always been proud of her.
She is being torn apart by guilt, she hates herself for causing me so much pain and feels she has broke my heart. I feel my heart is breaking but have been reassuring her that she did the right thing and that she should not feel guilty as she has not done this to hurt me but to try to salvage our relationship.
We have went to Relate for an initial meeting but she feels it would not be for her, she has done counselling before for post-natal depression and social phobia and that was a difficult period for her and don’t blame her for not wanting to go down that route. We know a therapist who has suggested a 3 month space agreement so she can try to figure out how she feels about me, we are still living together but not on an intimate level although we do share hugs.
I am going to counselling tomorrow by myself as i am finding this situation and the feeling of despair is leaving me unable to focus on anything and my work is suffering as a result, I feel totally lost and cry all the time when i am alone. I am putting on a brave face as i don’t want to compound the guilt my wife is feeling.
I have joined a gym and slowly being able to focus on my work, unfortunately I don’t have many friends to support me in this time of need and want to know if you have any books, articles, documents or advice which would help me.
I hope your book will be a help for my wife and pray to God for her to be able find the love she had for me in her heart once again
Thanks in advance
Andrew writes:
I can indeed recommend a book to help you: ‘I love you but I’m not in love with you’. I’ve written it to help not just the person who has fallen out of love but their partner too. It is vital that you understand your part in how things have reached this sad point because that’s how you can start to win her back.
On first sight, you sound like the perfect husband. You’re kind, considerate and go out of your way to care for your wife. However, I wonder if you are too understanding. It sounds like you put her on a pedestal and even if she hurts you terribly, accept it and cry in private. What I want to know is WHERE IS THE ANGER? You have done everything to make her happy, she rejects you and when she won’t go for counselling (which could help) you accept it with just a shrug. AHHHHHHH! You can see I’m getting angry on your behalf. I’ll calm down now, but if you let your wife walk all over you – she will have no respect.
The next problem with being Mr Nice Guy is that you have to switch off some of your feelings (or you’d get upset about stuff). What normally happens is that all the passion seeps out of the relationship and you start having polite and rather dull sex. Am I right?
So please, please, please. Read the book and instead of praying she’ll change, think about changing yourself. Stand up for yourself. Fight for this relationship. And as for a contract to live together without being intimate, I want to go round to the office of the counsellor who drew it up for you with a gun! I’m getting angry again – but I hope I’ve made my point.
