Ask Andrew – 310
Dear Andrew,
I would very much appreciate your thoughts on my situation.
Just under 6 months ago my husband announced he was leaving me and wanted a divorce, saying that he just wasn’t happy. He went that day, leaving me with our 8 year old and 13 month old baby. Very soon after, he had established a relationship with another woman; I discovered they had exchanged phone numbers after meeting the previous month. So, technically speaking, not an affair; I still viewed the situation as a betrayal, however.
We have had ups and downs for some 6 years; when our first child was 2, my husband had an affair and once I found out about it he left me for the other woman. We had one Relate counselling session before he gave up on it; I continued for a few months on my own. Over the next 18 months or so, my husband went back and forth between me and the other woman many times. This caused me a huge amount of suffering and looking back, having recently read both your ILYB and Trust books, I should have taken myself out of the triangle. I can now very much see that we resolved none of the issues that caused the affair, instead tip-toeing round each other. At this time, my husband was diagnosed with stress-related Depression and had lengthy spells off work (there were times he felt suicidal). Eventually, but with reluctance, he agreed to take medication. He hasn’t used the medication consistently since then and stopped it altogether around a year ago; he pretended to take it for months before finally telling me in January that he wasn’t going to use it any more.
My husband is currently renting a flat nearby and is therefore able to see the children fairly often. We have managed to be very amicable about everything and are still able to enjoy being in each other’s company when he is visiting the children in their home; this is very important to me as I want my children as happy and protected as is possible in a situation like this.
Your books (I wish I had discovered them years ago) have allowed me to see how ineffective our communication has been and this is something I would dearly like to put right with my husband whom, despite everything, I still love. We talked a good bit over the summer and my husband agreed to read your ILYB book. On our wedding anniversary he sent a text suggesting we try again. We decided to use your book as a form of counselling which we would slowly work our way through whilst maintaining the 2 separate homes. He finished the relationship with the other woman and we had a lovely week with a date to the cinema and some very nice family time. He then had to fetch some property from the other woman’s house; that night, at midnight, he sent me a text saying he had changed his mind about working on our marriage and was returning to the other woman. I was devastated, especially as I just hadn’t seen it coming. We have talked since, and he said that he was starting to feel trapped and stressed by the return to his marriage and family life; I asked why he’d felt unable to share that with me at the time but he couldn’t explain. He has said a number of times since March that he doesn’t love the other woman and is surprised their relationship lasted as long as 5 months before he ended it to try again with me. Bit puzzled about that one.
From his behaviour, and some things he said recently, I can’t help wondering about my husband’s current mental state yet he maintains he is not unwell. Although I have been through some very painful times over recent years, and know I could be setting myself up for further rejections, I would very much like to save my marriage and keep my family together. There are times my husband has done and said very hurtful things but he is not a bad, unkind person and I know from reading your books that I am also responsible for the current state of our relationship. At the moment, I am ‘travelling optimistically’ but have moments where I question if this is the right thing to do: I have always been very committed to my marriage and would be prepared to work extremely hard to improve and strengthen it but I obviously can’t do that alone. What would you advise? Am I flogging a dead horse?
Thanks in anticipation for any thoughts you might have.
Andrew writes:
When you have two small children, in my opinion, you are never flogging a dead horse. At the very least, you will show them how hard you’ve tried to save your marriage and that you’re going to co-operate over how best to bring them up. My hope is that you can finally get the bottom of your problems and your husband will learn that running off with another woman solves nothing (and in fact makes everything 100% worse).
So how do you move forward? First, take the learning from last time round – affairs never last – and step back until your husband is completely ready to commit again. At the moment, he sounds a bit manic – rushing from pillar to post. So use the downtime to learn more about yourself – look at the first half of ‘The Single Trap’ which is about working on yourself.
Secondly, I think you need a bit of re-entry time next time round. Could he live with his parents for a while? In this way, you’d be able to see each other, talk, date and get to know each other again – rather than plough straight back into living together again. This will hopefully get round his bouts of cold feet and allow you to invite him back when you feel he’s calmer and truly ready to commit.
He will be terrified of hurting you again – so even minor problems will be seen as a catastrophe, making him panic, worry that it’s not going to work out and running away before he gets in even deeper. Therefore, you need to ensure he knows that you understand there are no guarantees that everything will work out, you’re going in with your eyes open and that you’re prepared for obstacles. (There is more about this programme in my book ‘Help you partner say “yes”‘ which is out in February 2011)
Finally, I think you should make joint counselling a pre-condition of moving back in again. This will allow him to show that he’s also truly committed to learning and improving your marriage, provide support through a tough time and lay the foundations for a long term solution (rather than another quick fix). Good luck.
