Ask Andrew – 311
Hi Andrew,
I have been with my husband from age 16 for 24 yrs: we have a teenage son. We love each other deeply, but unfortunately I became intimate online with a man we both know, but we never met in person. It was on/off for a couple of weeks & regretfully I exposed myself on webcam. Other than that, I have been faithful.
My husband found out & it has ruined the specialness that we had. I cant believe I let myself be led into this, it is completely out of character. My husband is distraught & 5 months on we seem to not be moving forward. We`re doing all the right things, making time for each other, weekends away, etc but I cant get the guilt & self loathing out of my head & he cant get his head round why I did it.
He`s taken it personal even though he shouldn’t, he`s everything I want, there’s also a massive trust issue that we never had before, please help Andrew, we don’t know what else to do
Andrew writes:
It sounds like you are stuck along the recovery process in ‘Attempted Normality’ – see the video in Andrew TV. Making time for each other and all the nice things are fine, but deep down your husband knows this is just papering over the cracks. You need to understand why you were so easily seduced by this man.
You’ll find in my book that: Problem + Poor Communication + Temptation = An affair.
So what’s been going on in your relationship lately? How do you feel about being 40? How do you feel about your son growing up and leaving home? My guess is that there are several issues that have been making you unhappy and there’s an empty hole inside you that needs filling up. Stupidly, you thought a bit of flirtation would be the answer.
Next, you need to understand why you couldn’t talk to your husband about your feelings. Again, I’m going to be guessing but I bet you find it hard to argue and bring issues up to the surface. (My book ‘I love you but I’m not in love with you’ will explain more).
If you deal with the underlying problem and improve communication, next time there’s temptation (because there’s lots of interesting men in the world) you’ll just cross on the other side of the road because they’ll have nothing to offer that you need.
Finally, buy ‘How can I ever trust you again?’ It will help you understand what’s been happening, why you’re stuck and how to move forward.
