Ask Andrew – 312
Dear Andrew,
My husband and I have been married for 5 1/2 years and have two children aged 3 and 4.
I found out last October that he had been having an affair for the previous 8 months with a work colleague half his age. After a few weeks it ended and he talked about coming back. Then this changed and last march they moved in together. Again the relationship collapsed quite quickly and she moved out mid June (unfortunately though my children had to endure their access days with their father with her there too)
My husband is still living away from home and they still work together. He has talked about selling the business. He also want in some ways to build bridges with me with family days out etc but largely I have resisted as this seems like pretending
My life goes on and largely I feel I am moving forward. I have maintained my degree studies and will soon apply for teacher training. I have the kids with me and feel the three of us are coping pretty well
My husband has recently started taking anti – ds which I see as positive but he seems largely very stuck and not a lot seems to have changed.
I have read HCIETYA in large chunks and am prepared to take my part in leaving a gap in our relationship for the affair to happen.
My difficulty is that I don’t know what to do next. I still feel I cannot trust him and he is not willing to commit to time scales
I know I can take control and choose to divorce at any time. However I love my husband and don’t necessarily think divorce would benefit any of us
can you help please
Andrew writes:
One of the curses of modern life is the idea that ‘something must be done’. We are so determined to ‘take control’ that we push a difficult situation and turn it into a fatal situation.
So if divorce would not be beneficial, why head down that route?If he can’t commit to time scales, why put an artificial ticking clock into the picture? Couldn’t you just stay where you are for a while – working on yourself (congratulations on keeping going with your teacher training) and letting him get mourn (hopefully) this stupid affair of his.
In the meantime, keep the lines of communication open and have those family days out. Instead of thinking of them as ‘pretending’ see them as as ‘building bridges’ and use them as a ‘rehearsal’ for living together. What do I mean by that? In pretending, you smile sweetly even if there is minor irritations – like he wants to buy the children an ice cream but it will spoil their tea. In rehearsing, you use what you’ve learnt from ILYB, and give him your viewpoint, discuss it and come to a compromise. (Remember to keep the issue focused on ice cream and don’t let it stand-in for how badly he’s treated you and the children). In this way, you are laying down the foundations for a better relationship, one minor brick at a time. Slowly, you can begin to co-operate and feel confident of living together (rather than just jumping off the deep-end).
Finally, you need to address the reasons why he left and why he’s finding it hard to return. (These discussions should be done away from family days out – as it has the potential to be emotional). If you have two children under five, my guess is that your sex life was a bit of a disaster area. You might have thought – it will get better. He probably thought – I’m never going to have sex again. So tell him that you were unhappy and want something better.
Next year, I have two books that should help. ‘Build a life-long love affair’ is basically a reworking of ILYB (for people who have not reached those horrible depths) but it has anew information about improving your sex life. You will also find ‘Help you Partner say yes’ addresses the issue of coming back from the brink.
So summing up, take your time. There is no rush. Reassess the situation after six months. Good luck
