Ask Andrew – 313
Dear Andrew,
My husband and I separated 6 months ago. When he left he told me ILYB… and also that he couldn’t love me the way i wanted him to love me, also that the spark had gone between us.
Since then we have seen each other about once a week. He has either come to the house to do the garden (at his suggestion) or we have gone out for a coffee somewhere (at my suggestion). I am full of anger towards him for leaving me and the home and family but i cannot seem to show this anger. When we meet we talk as usual about work, the children, anything but what has happened between us. I am willing to talk about it but he isn’t prepared to discuss what has happened.
I feel lonely and i miss him terribly and that is why i meet him and let him come to the house. I am hoping in time he will want to return. Do you think it would be better if we had no contact at all? I am really at a loss as to how to move this situation forward. He has not mentioned divorce and neither have I, but I suspect he has a girlfriend. Any advice would be appreciated.
Andrew writes:
It is understandable to try and keep everything as nice as possible but it is making matters worse rather than better.
You’re getting more and more angry and he’s getting more and more distant (because unexpressed anger leaks out in looks and snide comments). Right now, both of you are walking on egg shells rather than sorting this mess out. So what can be done?
First, believe that ILYB can be cured. My book will explain how and offer productive ways of letting that anger out. (See in particular the three step statement.)
Secondly, read ‘How can I ever trust you again?’ as the first chapter offers advice on getting your partner to open about an affair and how to tell the difference between needless anxiety (like a dog that barks when the postman visits next door) and an important message from your guts (something is not right and needs to be addressed).
Don’t delay on reading either book as the longer an affair or an inappropriate relationship is given to breathe and gather strength, the harder to solve it. Meanwhile, this ‘time out’ from your relationship will drift into nothingness, unless you act soon.
