Ask Andrew – 315
Dear Andrew,
I have been feeling like ILYB for months and recently told me husband. My choice of word is “DISCONNECTED” from him, when I look at him I think who is this person? BUT I Also feel like this with my mother, I also avoid physical contact from both. I analyse everything and recently it has been overtaking my life, I can’t concentrate I feel like I have a heavy head, I am constantly going over everything until I feel like I am going to explode.
I am now at relate and talking makes my head lighter and i have been able carry on with my life with out this heavy load, the counsellor has taken me down the path of my mum leaving me when I was 12 and is saying this trauma is affecting my intimacy as I have cried a lot when talking about my mum which shocked me and it all seems to be leading to my mum. However I have started reading your book and have found it gives me clarity, whilst reading it I have a note pad and write everything that pops into my head about mum and husband but when I told the counsellor she said reading this book was not helping my over analysing and said I should stop. She also said that she felt I needed extra help from a psychoanalysis to help with my personality but then my husband came to the session and he apparently filled in some blanks about me and she then thought she could help me, which confused me.
Another thing was that I got hugely upset, never felt anything like it, I asked my dad what my relationship with my mum was like before she left and he mentioned us watching tv together and this is what upset me I could feel pain in my heart whilst I cried, a very strange experience. My mum is very overbearing/interfering in my life with my children and life in general and I have let her be like this, never really standing up to her and now I can’t stand being near her and yet I cried like a little girl wanting her mummy. I think this is to do with the counsellor opening up my feelings towards my mum yet when i told her this strange experience I didn’t feel like we talked about it enough as my husband was there and I ended up feeling like I did at the beginning heavy headed ready to explode with loads of thoughts in my head and not knowing what to do with them. So my question is do I listen to my counsellor or you in your book or get another counsellor?
Andrew writes:
As you’ve been finding out, our relationship with our parents, and theirs with each other, provides a template for all our future relationship. If your mother is a domineering person – from whom you have to keep your distance or be swallowed up – disconnecting will be your default way of dealing with the world (and therefore your husband too). So there are two ways of solving your ILYB, firstly going to the root and looking at your relationship with your mother as this will help your marriage (in the long run) and secondly, dealing with the problem today by working on your marriage – which will probably provide the impetus to improve things with your mother. Either way round is equally valid.
It sound like you’re doing great work with your counsellor and you should definitely stay with her. Talk to her about feeling there was not enough time to explore your feelings when your husband was there. She needs this sort of feedback so that she can assess how you’re doing. Strangely enough, I think your cold feet about your counselling could be a good sign. In every significant relationship, you’ve started to retreat if people get close and disconnect. So thinking about finding another counsellor suggests this one is doing a good job – because it shows the work is challenging your protective wall. I know it is frightening but think of your relationship with your counsellor as an experiment for how you can be with everybody. If you can let her in, and after all she’s trained to be sensitive, aware and provide a safe space, you can begin to trust other people and expand the circle outwards.
Once you’re feeling on a more even keel, that will be the time to focus on your marriage. At the moment, it sounds like you’ve got more than enough on your plate. However, give yourself a pat on the back. You are making huge strides into a better and more connected life. Well done.
