Ask Andrew – 335 – Finding decent men over 50
Dear Andrew
I am enjoying The Single Trap and, as a therapist myself, appreciate this approach, different from other dating books mostly. Although I agree in principle (and would be a relief) about dating as such often not working and over reliance on the internet, I realised I was thinking it’s the only way to meet people at my age (late 50s). The fact is that the mixing techniques you describe just aren’t open to people my age in the same way – everything is overly dominated by other women, even things you might think would attract decent men.
Dating websites have proved disappointing/disillusioning or even worse, in my experience, though one does hear of success stories.
I see most of your correspondents are in their 30s or 40s so that says something – although I am always meeting intelligent, attractive and feisty women in my age group, this is not matched by a male equivalent!
Any views? Perhaps you should write something aimed at this age group (increasingly prominent), like some of the other books…
Best wishes
Andrew writes:
It’s something that I hear a lot from women – there are no decent men over 50 but there’s lots of wonderful women. Sadly men report something very similar. So what’s going on? I think it might have something to do with ‘feisty’. The idea of feisty terrifies men! To you, it means they are full of life and ready to throw themselves into any challenge. To many men, it sounds like they are fine on their own and don’t need them. It can also sound like they’re about to criticise and find him wanting. (And let’s be honest, your letter is a full of praise for women and criticism for men.) No wonder, they stay at home.
To be fair, there’s a lot to critise men about. Particularly men over 50 who were brought up to be in charge, to suppress their feelings and get on with life. (Any thing else and they would be somehow less than men – almost half men if they truly show their emotions. I had a teacher at school who would complain that we were ‘standing around chatting like a bunch off old women’. Real men should be playing sport or fighting or god knows what. It’s hard to know the rules of manhood, let alone follow them.) So what do men do with their problems? Especially with the huge ones that we can’t cope with ourselves? Sadly we self-medicate with drink, drugs, cheap sex and pornography. This is hardly going to get the opposite sex to come running!
The problem goes deeper. As a therapist, you’re probably aware of the work of Jung and his concepts of anima and animus. Anima is about compassion, sensitivity to others needs, understanding, able to see the whole picture. Animus is strength, discipline, self-control and rational. Obviously we need to have access to both halves of ourselves. However, Jung realised it is hard to be both sensitive and rational at the same time. So he believed that we look for a partner who is balanced towards what we lack – and in that way can even us out. Many women over 50 who are feisty are balanced towards the animus. Good for them. These are all great qualities for success. However, men don’t need more animus – they have enough already. They need a little compassion and understanding. (There is more about this in the Single Trap and my new book ‘Learn to love yourself enough’)
So what I’m saying is that if you could see more of the whole picture (and see beyond the surface in the men you meet), you could find that with a little bit of polishing you could find a gem. I guess you’re going to say: why should I do all the work? But perhaps he could help you to open your eyes and realise it is unfair to judge half the human race. Trust me, there are some great men out there. They are just as confused by modern dating (I know because I’m helping many male single clients at the moment). Finally, don’t forget that you don’t need there be to lots of great men – just one. Good luck.
