Ask Andrew – Should I wait for till he’s ready or move on
Dear Andrew
I’ve read your book The Single Trap and found it very helpful in figuring out the type of man I went usually went for. I haven’t been in a relationship for almost 5 years and have met someone who is currently going through a stressful time in his life, work, financial and he’s unsure if he has fully recovered from a previous relationship that ended a year ago (they were going to settle down but she changed her mind). I only recently told him how I felt about him and he was taken aback and admitted that he did have a sense of how I felt towards me, he said he wasn’t saying he didn’t feel the same way about me but was unsure of how he felt because he is experiencing a lot of stress and anxiety at the moment.
Andrew, I’m wondering whether I’m finding myself in a ‘trap’. I do want to remain friends with this man, and am wondering if it’s best if I steer clear of him for the time being until he is over with his current problems, because I don’t want my feelings to deepen and get my hopes high and then be hurt from the disappointment. I do want to get on with my life and date a few men and see how things go. But somehow I’m already feeling disappointed of how things are going with this man. Is it just a matter of wrong timing? Or shall I just move on and forget him entirely?
Regards
Louise
Andrew writes:
As you don’t tell me about your type of man, I don’t know if this one fits into the pattern or not. So I will ask you to consider a couple of questions to help you decide how to move forward: Have you approached this man differently from those before? Is it new to become friends first or do you often try and turn friends into lovers? Does he feel ‘unavailable’ or just very stressed at the moment? Did the relationship really end a year ago? (By this I mean, don’t count the date that someone left – because there normally follows attempts to try again, talks about trying again and privately hoping to try again. During all this time, we are emotionally if not physically in that relationship. Yet when it is truly over – and it has been accepted on both sides – we want to move on as quickly as possible so use the EARLIEST end date, rather than the real one.) Finally, do you have a history of pining your hopes to lost causes? Is there a real danger that you will fall for someone who is truly – rather temporarily unavailable?
My natural reaction is to always to be up-front and honest. Tell him you understand that he’s not ready but you want a relationship rather a friendship – so it is probably best not to see each other for a while. Explain your thinking that while he’s recovering from his split, you will be seeing other people but when he comes out the other side, if he’s interested in getting back in touch – please feel free. Perhaps send a newsy email in three months time and test the water, but basically leave it up to him. By setting him free, he might come back – but, more importantly, it provides an opportunity for you to experiment with what you’ve learnt from The Single Trap.
Finally, there is more advice about judging whether a new relationship has a future in my latest book: Are you right for me? Seven steps for gaining clarity and commitment (out in February)
