Ask Andrew – How do we really chose a partner?
Dear Andrew,
In your book “The Single Trap” (2009), you wrote that the first step in looking for love is to work on our self. But, in recent studies (see for example the book: Strangers to Ourselves – Discovering the Adaptive Unconscious. T.D. Wilson, The Belknap Press of Harvard University Press: 2002) scientists have found out that knowing our self (self-knowledge) is not ease to get. They are saying that our choices (for example: choosing a partner) are not only based on our conscious self but also controlled by our unconscious self. They are alleging that the self consists of two parts, namely: a conscious and an unconscious. Some psychologists/therapists (see for example the book: Couples in Collusion. Jurg Willi, Jason Aronson: 1982) are claiming that our choices are mostly based on our unconscious self.
My question is, if it is true that our choices (for example: choosing a partner) are mostly based on our unconscious self, how do we access this unconscious self so that we can make the right choices?
Andrew writes:
You’ve got it in one. Something deep inside guides us to our choice of mate – not the good sense of humour, nice face etc that we think are the determining factors. The secret is not so much how can we access our self-conscious so that we can make the right choices but how we listen to it properly. Lots of times, when I ask someone why they went for a guy or a woman who treated them badly, their ‘better self’ knew he or she was trouble but chose to ignore it. Sometimes, they were bored or just coming out of a relationship and needed cheering up. Sometimes, they let the man or woman talk them round. Whatever the reason, they ignored their better judgement.
So my advice is two fold. Work on yourself, so you are in a good place and will listen to your better judgement. It also helps as like attracts like and you will not only recognise other ‘balanced’ people but attract them into your life.
The reason why I’m not keen on Internet dating is that your unconcious and the other person’s unconscious can’t communicate. You’re swept along on a fanatsy of what life might be like based on photos, text and a fee exchanged messages. Much better to mix – see Single Trap for more info – and get to know people in a relaxed and natural way, rather than on a date, so your unconsciouses can talk and who knows find a match.
