Ask Andrew – Single Guy looking for love
Hi Andrew,
Having read the single trap I was struck by the section of the book which mentions the importance of finding a balance between the ‘animus’ (masculine qualities such as discipline, strength and rationality) and ‘anima’ (feminine qualities such as intuition, compassion and sensitivity). In this section it is mentioned that men who are too in touch with their anima can find it difficult to make/maintain relationships with women (vice versa for women who are too in touch with their animus).
I felt this example resonated with me while reading it. I am 32 years old and have been single for almost four years now. In fact, I have spent most of my adult life single as I have only had around four/five relationships and none of them has lasted more than a few months (in part, I suspect, for reasons mentioned above).
With this in mind, I wonder if you have any useful guidance on how I can transform this so that I can escape my particular ’single trap’ and find a lasting relationship.
Andrew writes:
On one level, woman like the idea of a kind and loving guy who will listen and let them pour out all their woes. However, the man can almost become her social worker and social worker / client is not a sexy relationship. It is almost as if they are looking for an emotional stopper – someone who will listen but after a while, say ‘ that’s enough let’s go out and have some fun.’
So congratulations for spotting this pattern and deciding to do something about it. So how do you change? I would start at work – where the stakes are lower. Next time, you feel that you’re being used. By this I mean, you scatch their back but they never scratch your back. Stand up for yourself and ask for what you need in return. When you feel somebody clutching at your heart strings – access your rational side and ask: Is that fair? What would be more 50%/50%. Your aim should be to be respected as well as liked.
Basically all the skills are summed up in ‘being assertive’. This has been given a poor reputation because people think of it as being aggressive but the basic idea is ‘I have rights’ and ‘you have rights’ and it is about balancing those. I effect, So nobody walks over you and visa versa, you don’t take advantage of the other person. There is chapter on this subject in ‘Resolve your Differences’ which is out in February.
I feel really optimistic about you finding love for two reasons, firstly spotting a problem is half way to solving it and secondly, just a few small changes always pays big dividends in this kind of case. So be strong, rational and fair – and things will really turn around.
