Ask Andrew – Finding love as a single mum
Hello Andrew,
I have recently read the “Single Trap” and it is an accomplished, interesting text. However I have tried in my already hectic life-style to make more room for acts like ‘riding the flow’ and I am struggling to do so.
My situation basically revolves around several roles or hats, am a proud mum of a lovely seven year old, his father lives near so I have been able to pursue my career. I am also studying and I do like to socialize with friends when I can.
I meet many men however they generally seem to fall into two camps; nice yet just too young ( I am 37 they maybe earlys 20′s) or my age range and already settled. Am starting to feel a bit anxious as I would love another child and am starting to think that if I do not take some dramatic steps (sperm donor) I may miss my chance.
Your advice will be greatly appreciated
Andrew writes:
I’m glad that you found Single Trap helpful and thanks for giving me the opportunity to raise a couple of issues. I meet lots of people who have arranged their lives to the point that there is no chance of them meeting someone else. They normally are great mums – putting all their energy into bringing up their children. That’s fine. But normally when I question them further, they are using their children almost as a safety barrier. They form such a close knit circle that it’s almost impossible for anyone else to get close. When I strip all the justifications about how much their children need them, they are always frightened of getting hurt again. Could this be the case for you? Does your mouth say: I want a partner, but does your actions do everything to keep him away? The other thing to think about is whether you’re using your child as almost a surrogate partner – talking about your day, asking his opinion about stuff, getting lots of cuddles and physical contact (which makes up for the hole in your sex life.) Do your friends think he is much older than his real age? Could you be putting too much on his shoulders? Or perhaps your ex is your surrogate partner? What I’m saying is take a long hard look and see if what makes life work as a single mum is actually keeping you single? If so, what would you change?
Next we come onto having another baby. There is nothing which puts of men more than thinking a potential partner is more interested in their sperm than their love. (Lots of men secretly hate their jobs but feel trapped because they have to provide for their partner and children. In many ways, we are still in the cave and feel obliged to be the provider and believe our masculinity is challenged if we’re not. So put yourself in your potential lovers’s shoes, they fear that those few minutes of passionate sex is a life-time of picking up bills. Fine, if you love someone but a real turn off if you fear they don’t love you.) So I would get some counselling arranged through the fertility clinic or a an organisation like ‘Maybe Baby’. Do you want a child more than a partner? How would your second child feel if your son goes off to his dad for the weekend but she or he does not have a dad? Lots to talk through – rather than half thinking stuff in your head.
