Ask Andrew – Would changing jobs bring back my boyfriend?
hello, I have read a few of your books now. My boyfriend broke up with me recently we work together in a large pub, I am bartender waitress and he is a duty manager. He was recently promoted to assistant manager, and has shifted all his focus on to his career. He tells me that is his number one priority. He told me he wanted me to get a new job, because working together after a year was not working any more, he wanted his private life, and work life separate, soI had been looking.
Yesterday we had a bit of an argument and he ended it. I waited a day, and sent him a text saying that I would really love another chance and understand i need to make changes in myself for it to work. His reply was that he couldn’t consider talking about that until i get a new job. I replied saying I understand and will and is there any hope for us left. He said he wouldn’t consider until I left the job, but to not get my hope up.
I am wondering if getting a new job or quitting straight away, would help him come back to me. I dont know how to get him back. I am not sure if he has lost all hope. He means the world to me.
Andrew writes:
From your email address, I take it that you’re a student (and therefore probably in your late teens or early twenties). When I do a relationship tree with clients (see the Single Trap), I’m struck by how strong the bond was with someone they met at university. There is something really special about the purity of your first serious adult relationship – before we’ve become hurt and possibly a little cynical. It an ideal world this would be the foundation for a life-long love affair. Unfortunately, late teens/early twenties is the most tumultuous time of our life. We’re working out who we are (as individuals rather than our parent’s children) and laying down foundations for a future career. Therefore, it’s not surprising that many promising relationships get crushed in the process.
Have a look at ‘Are you right for me?’ where I explain the natural rhythm of relationships and how after eighteen months to three years most people want to move from dating to committed. Unfortunately, your boyfriend is not ready yet. Like most young men, he is trying to make his way in the world and earn enough money to be in a position to settle down. (It normally takes about six years from leaving full time education.) I also wonder if he is subconsciously worried that you will outgrow him. Here I’m guessing but I have him down as someone making his career in pubs/hospitality – but you’re just earning money before you graduate and become a lawyer, doctor or something else that earns more than pub manager.
So what should you do? I always believe in trying to save a relationship (because even if it does not work out, you learn a lot about what went wrong and are not left wondering ‘what if?’). However, I think you should definitely step-up your search for another job. Partly because there is no hope of saving this relationship if you don’t, but mainly because it is hard to grieve someone if you see them regularly.
Finally, I want to give you a big hug and tell you everything will turn out fine. Whatever happens, you will learn a lot and emerge a stronger and more emotionally intelligent person. Good luck.
