Ask Andrew – I’ve made a terrible mistake, how can I get her back?
Dear Andrew
I’ve read a number of your books including ILYB and Single Trap.
I hope that you are able to give me some words of wisdom! About two months ago, I ended my 16 month relationship with a single mother of two. I realised that I had made a mistake (80:20 rule!) and was attributing some of my negative feelings to the relationship when they were to do with things at work, my gravely ill father, and past experiences. I called her a week later to apologise and explain the reasons for this but she wasn’t prepared to take me back. This upset me very much (as I was and still am in love with her).
I made no further contact with her for about a month or so and when we spoke, we were on the ‘phone for over an hour catching up on things and acknowledging that we both missed each other’s company and the fun things we did together with the kids. We texted each other and arranged a first “date” for a drink and a chat, and she requested that we avoid raising any relationship issues.
We met about a week later and I sensed from her body language that she wasn’t comfortable and felt awkward. There were no initial hugs or kisses. I also felt no warmth coming from her (aside from some initial teasing on her part) which took me by surprise given our earlier positive experience on the ‘phone. I didn’t expect things to be back to normal but certainly didn’t expect a cold reception either! I respected her request not to talk “about us” which I think in the end made conversation a bit difficult. I texted her afterwards to say that it was nice to see her and that I looked forward to seeing her again. I’ve not heard back (admittedly, it has only a day since I texted). Is there anything I can do at this stage to try and open her heart or is it best to leave it to her to initiate contact with me if and when she’s ready?
Thanks
Andrew writes:
It sounds like your girlfriend is torn in two. One half of her, wants you back. The other half, is annoyed with herself for letting you into her children’s life and allowing you to upset them. You also need to be aware that as a single mother, she has already been hurt by a male partner. Unfortunately, you have triggered all that old hurt again. For all these reasons, you have got to tread carefully and be 100% certain that you’re not blowing hot and cold (re-read the section in Single Trap about being comfortable with commitment)
Having said all that, I admire your courage in taking a long hard look at yourself and deciding to make some changes. So how do you get a second chance? I wouldn’t leave it to her to make contact. She needs to know what’s in your heart and be reassured that you will not be here today / gone tomorrow. However, I’m not suggesting making lots of promises or grand gestures. This sort of drama – just feeds her fears that you could just as easily change your mind again. What will really make the difference is listening. Ask her how she has been. Ask her about her fears. Ask her about how this has effected her children. Don’t interrupt or offer reassurance. Just ask for more information, clarification and continue this deep listening for at least half an hour. When she’s all talked out, you can have your say and maybe find a way back together again.
Finally, read “Help your partner say ‘yes’” as this will explain how to come back from the brink, more about your partner’s fears and how to build a new relationship together. Good luck.
