Ask Andrew – Blowing hot and cold
Dear Andrew
I wondered whether you are able to help me. I’ve read ILYB, Single Trap and Building a Life Long Affair.
I’m not sure what’s the best way to set out my circumstances but thinks it’s probably be best to do this in chronological order:
1. I ended a two-year relationship with a single mother about two months ago. I regretted that decision and quickly went back to apologise (explaining the circumstances why I felt like I did at the time) but she said no. I was hurt.
2. I met a girl after a month of having broken up and everything was going well after 6 dates during a two week period. She ticked all the right boxes – professional, intelligent, good looking, funny, caring, kind, sexually compatible, and lots in common.
3. During third week into my new relationship, my son (I’m also a single Dad), started crying saying that he missed my ex and her kids. I was surprised by this as he didn’t see them regularly as such and I was saying to him that they were busy at the moment. My son’s reaction triggered strong feelings about my ex and her children again and I felt I couldn’t continue with my current girlfriend. I was honest with her about my feelings. She was very reasonable about this and said that she understood my situation.
4. I then called my ex after two months of breaking up and initially she warmed up to me but following the conversation she texted me to say that she wanted to be selfish for once (and wanted some “me” time) and although she was saying “no” for now, she wasn’t saying never to getting back together. Needless to say, this hurt me very much. Having said this, her response nudged me out of limbo and felt a bit more settled about things as I interpreted her response as a “never” rather than maybe.
5. I felt I could now move forward and made contact with my last girlfriend (point 2 above) and met up this week. I felt warm feelings for her again which I had lost when my son started mentioning my ex and children.
I’ve removed everything that reminds my of my previous ex, have written a list of good reasons why we broke up, and why it’s better to move on. I do still think about her and kids daily, and wonder what I would do if she called me to say let’s get back together. My current girlfriend does have a lot to offer, and I know in my head that she is so much better than my ex in many ways, yet I have this inner ache in my heart for my ex and her children every day. I just wish this inner ache would go away. What do you advise that I do? I know it was a mistake to get into another relationship so soon but now that I’m in a new relationship, I’m not sure what’s best! I’m really afraid of hurting my current girlfriend and she’s a really genuine and lovely person.
Not sure if this might help with your response but at a young age (10ish) I used to stay up late to keep an eye on my mother who was an alcoholic to make sure that she didn’t hurt herself or drive off on her own! My Dad wasn’t interested nor was my sister at the time so I felt it was down to me to make sure she was OK. I also feared her leaving us forever although she never did. I feel that I’ve had a happy childhood (despite the above) and never really felt that this affected my relationships and ability to bond, receive or give love to someone. The strange thing is that I had a dream the other night and it was of my mom who then turned out to be my ex, and she simply got up and left me and never came back!
I would like to reassure you that despite all that’s going on above, I do not expose my feelings about my ex to my son and I put my son’s first in everything that I do, and this includes not introducing my son to any girl unless I’m sure about them (usually a year after meeting them). This has meant that my Son has met one girl since I separated from my wife three years ago as I only tend to have long term relationships (never tried mini relationships).
Can you help?!?
Andrew writes:
I can certainly try and help but I really think the person who needs the most help is that little ten year old boy that you’re carrying around inside. It’s no accident that you had this dream where your mother and your ex were confused. So where do I start? I want to challenge your ‘happy childhood’ picture. I’m sure that parts of it were happy but to stay up half the night looking after your mum and worrying she would leave you, gives me another picture altogether. Have you ever thought of getting some counselling so you can understand how these incidents still effect you?
From what you’ve told me, it sounds like you are blowing hot and cold over your ex. (See the Single Trap). This is nearly always because of fear of commitment – because if you feared your mum was going to leave, you’re going to imagine all other woman will too. Do you find that when you’ve been together with a woman for two or three years and it starts to get serious, you begin to panic inside or start finding fault for no reason? Could it be because the relationship is becoming too serious and you cannot risk being that hurt and so leave yourself?
I think you should also read ‘Heal & Move On’ because it sounds like you are rushing from one relationship into another and throwing yourself into the next to medicate the pain from the first. Six dates in a week sounds an awful lot! Heal and Move On will also explain that sometimes thinking about someone is not ‘proof’ that you should be with them but part of the mourning process.
If you do decide to continue with your new girlfriend, I think you need to learn to be honest when something is wrong (rather than bury it and hope it will go away). This is very common situation for children of alcoholics – because they fear if they rock the boat, there will be another ‘incident’ and therefore the risk is too big. My book ‘Resolve your Differences’ will explain how to be assertive. In this way, you talk about problems as they come up – rather than saving all the little pinches until they become a crunch (which is what I think happened with your ex).
I know that I’m painting this as a long road ahead – with lots to learn. However, you are a warm, caring and self-aware man and, with some work, you will make as good a partner as it sounds you are a Dad.
