Ask Andrew – I’m still single, what next?
I read and loved your book The Single Trap. I took your advice and gave up internet dating. I joined the gym and now talk to anyone and everyone. I would like to say that I am in a good place but yet remain single with not so much as a date insight let alone a relationship. Please help what do I do next?
Andrew writes:
I’m glad to hear that you’ve turned a corner (and of course pleased that I’ve been able to help in that journey). So what next? Firstly, I would check out whether you’re social activities are bonding or bridging. Many single people would much rather have a cosy Sunday lunch with their friends (bonding) than to go on an organised cycle ride (bridging). Nearly always, I find long-term singles have a great circle of friends – which helps them cope with loneliness – but stops them from taking risking and enlarging their circle. So think about your hobbies, what could you do where you would meet more men? Make it something that you enjoy so you are in the flow and mix naturally.(By the way, if you are interested in someone on one of these group activities please be pro-active. There are lots of good men who are shy and find it hard to make the first move unless they are 100% certain a woman is interested. So don’t be afraid to suggest going for a drink or to see a movie.) Next, I would check for surrogate partners. These include gay best friends, an ex who adores you but you know is not right (but you’re holding him in reserve) or a female friend where you do everything together. Finally, I wonder if there is somebody who hurt you deeply in the recent past and you are not completely over him. Somehow other people can sense if you’re truly available. (If this is the case, read Heal and Move On).
Once you’ve been through my check list, it is a question of living optimistically and not letting looking for love obsess you. Often when you’re least expecting it, you’ll just click with someone. Give it six months of mixing, increasing your bridging capital and enjoying yourself and if you haven’t met anyone drop me a line again and we’ll discuss a plan B.
