Andrew G Marshall

Author & Marital Therapist

Ask Andrew – I want to give my wife some space but I’m frightened of losing her

June 11th, 2011 by Andrew G Marshall in Ask Andrew

I am from Pakistan and has been married for about 4 years. It was a love marriage and i have been with the same girl for almost 10 years in total.
She has been a great fiancé and a wife and i believe i took her for granted most of the time. There was a time when i didn’t use to find her that attractive and i sometimes used to get in complex that she is not that pretty but at the same time i never wanted to be with any other girl. During all that time she did love me a lot and took a lot of care of me.
We never had a very good sexual relationship. she was always very reluctant but in patches we have had our moments as well.
From the past three months or so she has been changing a lot and finally she told me that she never loved me and that she doesn’t want to be with me any more as she is just done with it. But before telling me all this she has been telling me that she is tired and has been carrying the burden of making this marriage work and finally as i said she is just done with it. Initially i was devastated and couldn’t believe what she was saying. I cried and begged her but she was emotionless and calm.
This sudden change in her somehow made me fall in love again with her and i firmly believe that i am in love with her truly. Initially she said i am loving her because of the fear i would lose but it has been a month now but my feeling for her are getting stronger and stronger.

We are still living in the same house and being a muslim it is not very easy for her to just walk out of the marriage. Her parents don’t want that to happen and my parent don’t even know about the situation.

I started praying lately and was getting calm and trying to give her space. That made her little comfortable with me but her parents interfered as we were not talking normally and they wanted things to sort out but that had a reciprocal effect and she just backed off again and started disliking me.

Now the problem is she says she does not like me as a person and can never be happy with me. Even if she stays with me that unhappiness will come back again to haunt her.

I really don’t know what to do. I was telling her that i love u so much and would do anything but no effect. she was getting more itchy with my love talks. But i have noticed that if i give her enough space she does get a bit normal and more positive about our relationship but she does maintain that she doesn’t want to be in it anymore.

Also she said that she found out just before the marriage that i am not the right guy but didnt have enough courage to say NO but now she is mature enough to say all this.

I don’t really believe that she never loved me because she has given me way too much love.

I hope that i put in enough information for you to understand my complex case.

I really love her a lot and don’t want to lose her at any cost. At the same time i know for a fact that she does not like anybody else. She does say though i am not her soul mate and she is determined to find him :)

Please advise me how to handle this situation.

Also your books are available for sale in Dubai??

Many thanks

Andrew writes:

Congratulations. You have learnt two important things about relationships. Firstly, the more you push someone for something, the more likely they are to walk away. (So well done for spotting that giving your wife the space that she asked for, improves your relationships. Think about how else you could listen  and act on what she says, so she feels that you are genuinely interested in her – not just keeping a wife.) Secondly, you have learnt that if you don’t put much into a relationship, you don’t get much out. (When you didn’t value your wife, she slowly stopped valuing you. Fortunately, you’ve realised that it feels horrible to be taken for granted – as that’s what’s happening to you at the moment – and you’ve decided to change. )

So what should you do next? If you haven’t read, ‘I love you but I’m not in love with you’ yet please do because it will explain how to get back the loving feelings. Next, look at ‘Help your partner say yes’ because it will explain the importance of starting working on the relationship NOW. Rather than waiting for your wife to agree and work together on saving your marriage. (I’m not certain if these books are available in Dubai but go to www.bloomsbury.com as they will be happy to oblige or get a kindle edition of ILYB from amazon.)

At the moment, your wife wants to believe you but fears that all the sweet words are just that. What she needs is ACTION. Small, demonstrative ways to show that you care and are prepared to go that extra mile for her.

So get reading, keep on learning and become the man she deserves. I know you can do it.


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