Ask Andrew – I’m single and I’ve never had a serious relationship
I read and loved your book The Single Trap. I thought, for the first time, here is a book that makes total sense and writes to the intelligent reader.
However, I did feel something was slightly missing. There are those of us who has never had a “relationship”, so there is no history as such to go on. I really am, long time single, and it really hasn’t been out of choice. I think I’m pretty open-minded and don’t have this huge ridiculous criteria list of what a potential partner should be. What parts of the book do you think are still relevant for someone in this situation?
Andrew writes:
Thank you for your interesting question. If we were working together, I think we would need to define ‘relationship’ – because I’ve worked with hundreds of single people over the years and I’ve yet to meet someone who has reached thirty-five and NEVER had a relationship. Sure, I’ve had clients who’ve had six week passionate flings or on/off relationships that last several months but never really got anywhere, or have close friendships with men (and when they both have had too much to drink sleep together – what I call friendship with benefits). There are also ‘relationships’ where the woman (and sometimes a man) feel incredibly passionate about someone but lust in secret so the other party is not aware of it. So when I do a relationship tree, I ask for SIGNIFICANT relationships – the definition is up to you and does not have to include sex. So I suppose what I’m saying is that you do have a history and I’d like to you to explore your near misses, ones that got away, ones that crashed and burnt. You don’t need miles on the clock for it to be a relationship. Think about the patterns?
So which parts of the book should you explore further? Firstly, look at the sections about intimacy (and being comfortable with commitment). There is something about letting someone close that deep-down feels frightening. Secondly, I’d like you to understand why relationships are difficult for you. My guess would be something from your childhood. Maybe your parents divorced or argued a lot. One of my clients – years ago at college – told her teacher that ‘marriage was being trapped in a perpetual unhappiness’. Not surprisingly, she ‘s reached 33 without a serious long-term relationship. Look at the chapter about working on yourself to understand how to tackle these issues.
A good way of revising is to buy the two books in the Seven Steps series which have been broken out of the Single Trap. ‘Learn to love yourself enough’ looks at the impact of our childhood and how to deal with the negative voices that pull us down. Whereas ‘Are you right for me?’ is good about commitment, and the early stages of relationships (as I find many single women rush ahead in their mind and are asking themselves questions at the second date which is more appropriate at eighteen months.) However, I should warn you that they are basically the same as Single Trap (as there’s stuff in the book that is useful for couples too and I wanted them to understand these concepts too). The other book in the series that I sometimes give to single clients is ‘Build a life-long love affair’ as they often have no understanding about what a relationship might look like. (However this is basically ‘I love you but I’m not in love with you’ so if you’ve read or got this book, don’t waste your money.)
Finally, it sounds like you have ‘under-dated’, I concept I discuss with a journalist who interview me for the Guardian. I think you’ll find her article helpful: www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2010/feb/13/better-relationships-hannah-booth
Rest-assured, your situation is not particularly unusual.
