Ask Andrew – I can’t compete with exotic girls
My husband of 23 years has told me that he wants to leave. He finds me very boring and there is no connection between us. He says he felt like this for a long time (years) maybe always. It turns out that this last year he has two one night stands and then formed a relationship with a 26 year old student. These were all girls he picked up in bars whilst away on work in Nairobi. This last girl has shown him that relationships can be fun and peaceful not like with me. I admit that like in any long term relationship things have gone bit stale and that I have been quick to criticise him sometimes. I still love him though and want us to stay together. I feel angry and hurt more by the fact that he doesn’t like me or find me attractive any longer. I also look back and think it hasn’t all been bad. It was only about 18 months ago when there was talk about him having to relocate abroad for work that he said he wouldn’t go without me. He spends approximately 2 weeks out of four in various African countries. I can’t compete with these exotic girls and I know I can’t change his feelings. How can I try and get him to see what he is losing and that it is worth saving. Please help. Presently we are in the same house just being polite to each other and I am not trying to force him to talk or anything.
Andrew writes:
How horrible! From this letter, and the other one that you sent me this week, I can see that you’re very upset, hurt and confused. However, I’m pleased to read that you’re in a slightly calmer place and you’re not trying to force him to talk (because forcing only makes things worse.)
Read your letter back, because I see quite a classic combination in these circumstances. What I call: MIXED MESSAGES. One minute, you’re figuratively saying: ‘I love you. come here, let’s sort it out’ and the next shouting ‘you bastard, how could you, I’ll never forgive you.’ As you can imagine, your husband is walking on egg shells – as he’s not certain which one he’ll get.
So start by reading ‘How can I ever trust you again?’ where I explain it’s fine to report your feelings (I’m angry or I’m hurt or I’m disappointed’) but not to act them out (shouting, slamming doors, murderous looks).
Next, I wonder if your husband really said that you are boring or that’s the conclusion that you’ve drawn or maybe he’s thrown out this nasty comments when he’s cornered and hurt. There’s a big difference. Running yourself down and bigging up ‘exotic’ girls is not going to make you feel any better and catastrophising will turn a difficult but savable situation into something terminal.
Next, we’ve got to improve your communication style (and I expect your husband’s too) because criticising someone gets nowhere. They just shut off, walk away or get resentful. And here’s the good news…. there’s lots of alternatives. I explain them in ‘Help your partner say yes’ – please look at Transactional Analysis in particular.
You ask how do I get him to see what he’s losing? I would ask you to replace that with a different thought: How do I stop myself from driving him out the door? Basically, you can’t ‘sell’ a relationship to someone and the more your try hard pressure sales tactics, the more that someone shuts up. We want to buy rather than be sold to!
Finally, I will tell you a story from when I was working in Ghana (probably not that different from Nairobi). I was having a drink in an empty bar with a colleague and within two minutes two girls had joined us. Within seconds, it was clear that they were interested in more than the drink we bought them (to be sociable) much more. I was amused, rather than tempted but I saw enough of Africa to realise that even the professional classes live difficult lives and even a humble white writer is seen as having riches beyond their imagining. So I guess what I’m saying is the temptation is huge – for both the locals and white visitors. Your husband was probably picked up (rather than did the picking up). He’s a weak man, stupid too, but that doesn’t make him a bad man. Hold onto that thought, because it will stop you demonising him (we’re back to I love you, I hate you again)….
