Ask Andrew -
i have been married for 5 years and we have been a couple for 14 years. 3 years ago i had cancer and was unable to have sex and that situation kept on for two years. that time was very hard for me and my husband. in the end (i was finally physically healthy again but mentally very confused after that disease) we quarrelled a lot, so we decided to separate for a while and in that time we allowed each other that we could have sex with others. a kind of „time out“ of our marriage to find out what we really want – but after a while we both decided to move on together and were very happy about our decision, i thought.
During our whole marriage, he went out with a couple of colleagues. i knew that one girl has fallen in love with him long time ago (she flirted with my husband beside me), i told him more often, but he always said that i would fantasize. but it was never a problem to me, firstly because i trusted him blindly and secondly because i knew that she isn’t exactly that what he was dreaming of.
a few months after our restart she let me know that there was something between them during our separation and that there is more but that she wouldn’t tell me more details. i confronted my husband with that news and after lots of lies he admitted that
“he first kissed her at a company event 1.5 year after our wedding (!!), that they became friends after that kiss but no more. half a year later, i got ill with cancer and the fact that i was terribly confused and unable to have a normal sex life in that time made him starting to enjoy her advances and showed her that he likes her also a bit more (went out more often, touched accidentally, spent every lunchbreak together, had ‚just’ fun…). shortly before we separated he laid next to her in her bed after a party for the first time but didn’t sleep with her, just kissed and cuddled. but he had sex with her two times during our separation but that he had never wanted more from her, she was just available and willing (otherwise he wouldn’t have come back to me, he says, ). when we came together again he couldn’t stop because he hates conflicts and the other woman kept showing him that she loves him so much(she knew that we were together again and didn’t stop to fight for him) and she always let him know and feel. he felt guilty but on the other hand he loved being admired. and because our sex life was still complicated he had sex with her once more and laid to her in her bed two times to cuddle . now he regrets deeply, begs me to believe that he never had the thought of leaving me, that he was drunk every time he was in bed with her, fights like a lion for me and tells me the whole time that he has never loved her but that it just had felt so great to him being loved by anyone and he just liked that feeling.
but i still feel or am i scared that this is not the whole truth and im still confused. staying vs leaving? do or should i really want to know everything if there is really more? can i stand more? how necessary is it really to know everything?
i know it was a very hard time for him as well but what does it say about him that he cheated me when i needed him so much for my own because of my disease? (she knew that i was ill as well!)
that he kissed her before my illness?
that he didn’t stop the affair (he even admitted that it (if she hadn’t let me known) probably would have continued for a while till she had found another man)? What does it say because it took so long (5 years)?
Andrew writes:
So many questions! It must be exhausting being in your head. Let’s take them one by one:
1. Is it necessary to know everything? It sounds like he has given a full and frank explanation of what happened (and it rings very true to me). If by everything, you mean tiny details – ‘what they talked about’ or ‘what date something happened’ or ‘whether they slept together another time’ – I don’t think that they help (just prompt more questions.) So I think he’s told you enough to understand the problems in your relationship and fix them (if you so wish).
2. Does it matter that he kissed her before your illness? It depends how serious you consider a drunken kiss at a party. It probably says more about alcohol lowering inhibitions, how the intensity of working together can spill into inappropriate behaviour and her personality than anything else.
3. How could he have done it when you were ill? Sadly, looking after someone with a life threatening illness is exhausting, emotionally draining and you have to suppress your own problems (because the other person has got enough problems of their own). Hopefully, carers will speak up and get help. Sadly, many just struggle on with a huge burden and that makes them very vulnerable and to start craving ‘fun’ – anything to take their mind off their problems.
4. So what kind of man does this affair make your husband – especially that it took so long to come out? a) Weak. b) Not good at standing up for himself, so he didn’t tell you (or anybody else) that he was having trouble coping. c) Doesn’t like conflict, so didn’t want to ‘upset’ the other woman too. But these things can be learnt….. it’s called ‘being assertive’….. and you’ll find more in ‘Resolve your differences’. But my over-all feeling, he comes across as very human in your letter – someone who has made mistakes and is trying to learn from them.
5. Should I stay or go? I would reserve judgement…. what counts is how well you resolve these issues, learn from them and move on – not how many time he slept with her. In the meantime, you will learn a lot about yourself, how to communicate better (because discovering an affair is a crash course on talking) – whether you stay or go, that will be a benefit.
Finally, I think you would both benefit from couple counselling, so you can talk not just about the affair but how both of you have been affected by the cancer. It will also provide you with some support and a way of getting all of those thoughts out of your head.
