Ask Andrew – How do I get respect for my husband after infidelity
Thank you for “HCIETYA” and “Resolve Your Differences”. Both books have helped us in this agonizing reconciliation journey. However, I am having problems with regaining respect for my wayward husband. He has done everything since discovery to heal his betrayal. We have read both books together and put your techniques into practice. I know that his efforts should go a long way toward rebuilding my respect, but I find the details of the affair undermine it repeatedly. Do you have any suggestions for us? I’m afraid that the marriage will be destroyed if I don’t resolve this dilemma.
Andrew writes:
First of all, I want you to stop putting so much pressure on yourself. It take time to recover from an affair – at least six months and most people can’t get it entirely out of their mind until at least one anniversary of everything – Christmas, birthday, etc has passed. So please be kinder to yourself and be reassured that it will get better.
Next, read the other ‘Ask Andrew ‘ letters from women who are not able to get their husband’s affair out of their mind.
However, I have some particular observations about your letter. It is very tempting to try and psycho-analyse your husband and work out why he did something, what it means about his character and your marriage. However, I would be wary of over-analysing. It is very hard to enter into the mind of someone in an affair. As I explain in HCIETYA, they are literally in a bubble and don’t think further than the end of their nose or about five minutes into the future. So although, you need to work out why your marriage was vulnerable and what needs to be fixed (ie big points) why he took her to your favourite restaurant or that he was on the computer to her while your daughters slept in the next room (ie: details) will not provide any helpful insights – and probably drive you mad.
Finally, I would ask yourself: What is the benefit of harping on about details? At first sight, there will be none. But think deeper, are you punishing yourself (for example) or possibly him trying to make understand your hurt or are you frightened of letting go of your pain because everything might return to normal (and you’re aware there is more work to be done.)
If you want some help with over-thinking – look at ‘Learn to love yourself enough’ and if you’d like more help with communication try ‘Help your partner say yes’. But whatever happens, remember there is no need for the details to derail your recovery, keep talking, keep learning and focus on getting things right tomorrow.
