Ask Andrew – Another woman is ruining our marriage
I have read “I love you but I’m not in love with you”. My husband’s affair came out when I was seven months pregnant with our fourth child after I discovered a number on his phone, called it and a woman answered. He denied an affair saying she was just a friend, but soon asked for a separation. He didn’t want to leave our home so I took our children and moved in with my parents and took legal action to make him leave.
After our fourth child was born and I refused to take the baby our children and return home with him like we had discussed because he was still in contact with her. Then he told me “I love you, but I’m not in love with you” then proceeded to tell me how happy go lucky he is at work then comes home and is not happy. When I asked him where he was living, he insisted it wasn’t with her.
After two months of him being gone, we started talking about putting our relationship back on track and he expressed a desire to come home. About two days of him being home, his phone began receiving multiple text messages. I picked up the phone and read the messages and it was her basically calling him out for moving out of her house and only leaving a note. I was devastated to say the least. He admitted that it was a woman from work and told me her name. I threw him out again. He was silent for a week then started texting me and writing letters telling me he loves his family and wants to work things out.
We have been in marriage counselling for three weeks now, but a couple weeks ago he ended up at her house and lied about it. Again he was packing his stuff, but that very night was texting me telling me how sorry he was and he was only telling her that it is over between them~but why lie about it? After about a week of him sleeping in his car and only him showing up for marriage counselling, I asked him to come home only if he was serious about our marriage. He has been on vacation from his job for the past two weeks and will be going back soon and this terrifies me. I know he is having a hard time letting her go and honestly I am tired of this emotional roller coaster. If he slips up again, I do not see another reconciliation for us. This transition is incredibly hard and nerve racking, is this a normal process?
Andrew writes:
You ask if this is normal…. my reply is that I’m not at all surprised that it’s happened. (Untreated ILYB often turns into infidelity.) And although, everything seems bleak at the moment, if you approach this carefully and this is going to be my buzz word for you: CALMLY….. there is still everything to play for (if you do want a reconciliation.)
First of all, I want to give you a big hug. Being seven months pregnant is a very vulnerable time, your hormones mean that, half the time, you’re not certain if you want to weep or laugh – plus you’ve got three other children after your attention. You must have been exhausted! And for this to happen. I can’t begin to imagine how upsetting this has been. However, I want you to step back and imagine what has been like for your husband too.
He is probably frightened about an extra mouth to feed and the stress on the household. Having two children under five, plays havoc with your sex life so I can’t imagine what four would do! Sex is how men get close to their loved one, express their tenderness and de-stress – so I guess he was feeling pretty on edge. Now the sensible thing would be to talk about his fears (calmly) with you but sadly some men find it hard to express their feelings and I wonder if he would be frightened about your reaction (probably you have unexpressed fears too). My guess is that there were also long time issues in your marriage too which make communication difficult ….. he sounds passive aggressive (as he can’t tell you where he’s staying because it might upset you!) and these have been brought to a head by the arrival of your 4th child. Please read the section on passive aggression in ‘I love you but I’m not in love with you’ – but instead of just blaming him, ask yourself: Why can’t he tell me the truth? How do I react in ways which might put him off being honest?
Stupidly, he decided to take what probably seemed a harmless way out – he talked to someone else and it became an affair. He realised that this was not the solution and tried to leave but instead of telling the other woman, he writes a note. (Typical passive aggressive, slipping out to avoid a nasty scene – even though he knows it will be worse when she catches up with him.) She pursues him and because he can’t say ‘no’ – to anybody, not you, not her (and that’s why he’s in this mess) – he’s running around trying to keep both of you happy and it’s doomed to failure. What worries me is that you’re getting to the end of your tether (quite understandably) and one more botched reconciliation could end your marriage (and set up years of unhappy fighting over the kids, issues with co-parenting and new partners to throw even more joy into the mix).
So what do you do? Firstly, throw away the ticking clock. At the moment, it seems that all this has to be sorted now, today or at least tomorrow. This is adding to the drama unnecessarily. Everybody needs to take a step back and think about this long-term. Please read ‘How can I ever trust you again?’. Basically affairs happen in a bubble of secrecy – which pumps up all the emotions. In the cold light of day, he will have discovered that she is not like his fantasy or the answer to all his problems. He’s also realised that he has strong feelings for you and the kids. The bubble is deflating and he’s feeling stupid.
Basically, ALL affair self-destruct (The only exceptions are childhood sweethearts who meet again or when the wife/husband pushes the affair partners together – by attacking them or persecuting them and thereby provides the adversity to unite them.) I have a lot more to say about recovering from affairs and why they happen but basically it’s all in the book.
So what do you do? Stop the drama. Don’t throw him out. Talk to him. Don’t give him an ultimatum. Listen to him. Why was he unhappy? When you know the full extent of the problems, you can make an informed choice. At the moment, you’re in crisis and living on adrenaline. Not only does everything look worse but you can’t make sensible decisions too. So be calm – live day-by-day – see the Chapter on ‘Coping Day-by-day.’ Let the affair have it’s final death throes…. in the meantime, be polite and listen but until he’s finished with her properly, he cannot begin to talk about a future with you. (No drama, ‘this is the final time’, but talk it over calmly and then keep talking and a bit more.)
I’m glad that you’re seeing a marriage therapist because she or he will help you to communicate better. Basically as men learn to be assertive (openly addressing issues rather than sliding away), they begin to get their loving feelings back again. To learn more about being assertive – because I wonder if you demand or command – read ‘Resolve your differences’ and I would also like you to look at TA in ‘Help your partner say yes’ which lots of my clients in your position find helpful. (It’s also covered in ‘How can I ever trust you again?’)
So if you take this one step at a time, you will get through this. Let’s recap – calmly: 1) Concentrate on looking after yourself and your children and let him sort out his stuff. 2) Listen to him and discover his problems…… and then tell him yours. 3) Learn to communicate better. 4) Address the ILYB.
I know this sounds tough from where you’re standing, but just addressing this calmly will make a big difference. Good luck.
