Ask Andrew – I worry about seeing the other woman
About 3 months ago I discovered that my husband of 16 years had an inappropriate friendship with a woman in our village. Then 6 weeks ago he confessed that he had slept with her once in a hotel near her work. He didn’t want me to find out at a later date from someone else. I have read HCIETYA which has been really helpful and my husband has also read it and we have discussed it together. We have also gone to couples counselling as well. We are communicating much better and my husband has been able to express his feelings and emotions which he has always found difficult.
We want to stay together and my husband is doing everything he can to help me recover from this shocking discovery. I am still not sleeping or eating very well.
We have become much closer again as a couple but one of my big problems is that the other woman lives in our small village and I have to pass her house every day and possibly bump into her which is very difficult because I feel so angry. My husband wants to leave the village as soon as possible but I have always been very happy here until now. What shall I do?
Andrew writes:
First of all, congratulations on the progress that you and your husband have made. I hope the counselling helps with the sleeping and eating issues. too
So what should you do about the other woman? Leaving your village sounds drastic – and I’ve had clients who do move – but I think you should try some other strategies. Let’s start with your anger towards this woman. I’d like you to write a letter to her – which you won’t post – and tell her everything that you’re angry about. Make certain don’t leave anything out! I hope it will be cathartic but more importantly, I want you to go back over it (probably a few days later). Look at where the anger belongs. It could be that some of the anger belongs with your husband. It could be that you’re angry with yourself – for example, for not spotting the signs sooner. It could be that she is a convenient dumping ground for a whole lot of stuff – which in reality does not belong to her.
Next, I would try some distraction techniques. So next time you drive or walk past her house, look at the lines in the middle of the road or the birds on the chimney pots opposite – rather than staring at her front door. Alternatively, put on a favourite song on the CD player and sing along. Anything to avoid thinking of her….. because basically ‘she’s not worth it.’
If this does not work, take the opposite approach and think about everything from her point of view. Living in a village, you will probably know a lot about her. My guess is that she is more to be pitied than envied. You would have to be pretty unhappy to think a fling with a married man would bring you much happiness! I bet her life is actually rather sad. You might even feel sorry for her (which would probably make her livid because nobody wants to pitied!)
Finally, I would think through how you’ll react when you do bump into her. Better to have your plans pre-worked out rather than be ambushed. Personally, I would go for dignified silence, totally ignoring her or a curt nod (like you might with any distant acquaintance). Remember, she will probably be more mortified than you.
Later, when you’re further down the recovery path, look at the issue of forgiveness – for your husband, yourself and even her – because ultimately it is a gift to yourself (and a lot cheaper than moving house!)
