Ask Andrew – My husband has contacted his highschool sweetheart
Married 44 years. Age 65.
Husband contacted girlfriend from Junior year in highschool on internet. Hadn’t seen her or contacted her in 47 years. Formed internet and phone relationship from work. After 8 months of contact, announced that he wanted to be on his own, doesn’t love me, doesn’t have a connection with me. Denied other woman. Asked why he went forward with $40K kitchen remodel when he felt this way. Answer, “Oh I didn’t feel that way then”
Two months later the truth outs….he “just fell in love with someone else”. He thinks the “world of her”
Doesn’t like to talk, doesn’t want counselling. Just says he’s unhappy and wants to be on his own. Code for free to be with internet woman without guilt.
He’s just stuck, doesn’t leave, isn’t happy. It’s like a drug, fictitious, though he did arrange to see her for lunch when on a business trip. She lives 3000 miles away. No pressure just short emails and phone calls, no pressure to perform sexually which is difficult for him with age and heart meds.
My religious belief is “keep the vows”, help him without all the destruction to family, finances, life. Totally against everything he’s ever stood for. I wanted to hold this man in my arms and sing him home to God when the time came. When you speak to his soul, he loves me and our marriage, but in the cold light of day, he loves her. He’s two people, a 17 year old boy making bad decisions, and himself.
HELP! Haven’t read a book. Tell me which one to read.
Andrew writes:
First off, you should be congratulated on a thoughtful and insightful letter. You’ve hit the nail on the head. This relationship is a complete fantasy – but quite a common one. When we’re getting older, past relationships are very appealing but actually the nostalgia is seldom for the ex but the person we were all those years ago. So I think you’re right not to panic but you do need to understand why your marriage has become so vulnerable and make some changes (pretty quick).
I would start with ‘I love you but I’m not in love’ to understand how love and passion drains out of a marriage. Unfortunately, if ILYB is not attended to then people start to form inappropriate relationships or have affairs. I would therefore look at ‘How can I ever trust you again’ to understand the bubble world of affairs (and how they can seem like the answer to all our prayers) and how to rebuild your relationship. Finally, I would read ‘Help your partner say yes’ as it explains my programme for saving your relationship on your own (as I think your husband is too stuck and possibly depressed to think straight). It will also help you talk to the sixty something version of your husband not the seventeen year old.
Finally, I wish you every strength and suggest that you find plenty of support (but try and leave your children out of it, as they need to keep respect and love for their dad). All the best.
