Ask Andrew – Should I ask my lover to take a polygraph test?
What are your thoughts on using a polygraph for full disclosure?
Andrew writes:
If you’re thinking this question, it shows that you simply DON’T trust your partner. It might seem a quick solution to make her take a lie detector but I think you’re in a LOSE / LOSE situation. If your partner is telling the truth, she will be so angry that you couldn’t take her word for it, her trust in you will be completely broken. If she fails, you will walk out the door. Either way, your relationship is over.
I know you want full disclosure – everybody does. However, I think it is best to stop and ask why your partner can’t tell the truth. Is she frightened of your reaction? Does she think you’ll blow and end the relationship? Does she feels so bad already, she can’t cope with feeling even worse? Does this she think that you’re after a whole load of stupid details. In other words, in her mind, has she told you all the big stuff: who, what, when, why but you’ve moved onto the smaller stuff: did she use the car to go on that date or who paid for that restaurant bill? Has there been any benefit in confessing or do you just get more info to cross examine? Have you asked so many times that you’re untruths are simply she’s made slightly different explanations on different occasions about something that happened three years ago?
I suppose what I’m saying is most truly important stuff comes out over time. Especially, if you present your thoughts calmly and back it up with any documentary evidence. In my experience, once the discovered reveals these last few facts – normally voluntarily, when the relationship has been going along OK – the discoverer is upset but after a few weeks can put the last few lies behind them and continue working on the relationship. However, if you go in all guns blazing, you’ve got no choice but to press the nuclear button.
So in a nutshell, either you’re saying ‘I’ve had enough’ and should walk (and save everybody the cost and pain of a polygraph) or you want to work this through. In which case, I would try and understand why your wife is holding back because understanding that will help unlock the truth.
