Ask Andrew – My husband is having an affair with his first love
I have been married for 8 years and knew my husband for 4 years before we got married. We have two children. Our son is 5 years old and daughter is 2 years old.
My husband is having an affair since past one year with his college ex-girlfriend. They have been in touch with each other even before that on Facebook on and off basis. But the affair as such is past one year. She lives in another country. My husband goes on a business trips to the same country frequently. She is married for past 3 years.
Last two trips (10-12days long each) they were staying together in a hotel. She got pregnant. But, she got the child aborted.
My husband told me the story on a very superficial level. Most of the details I found out…and he just kept lying about it till I showed him all the proofs. Now hopefully everything is out there.
He thinks he is in love with her even after so many years. She was his first love and he just can not forget her. At the same time he says he cares for me and the children and can’t make up his mind either way.
I have known everything for past two months. They are still in touch with each other on a regular basis through messages, mails, calls. He cries at home…asks me to forget everything…feels bad that he is making me go through all this. But, still not able to decide anything for good.
I feel, I can not take the ‘insult to injury’ on a daily basis. If we didn’t have children the decision would have been little bit easier for me. I don’t want to be impulsive on this one but at the same time it is increasingly difficult for me to continue like this.
I have just got ‘I love you..’ and ‘How can I ever trust you again’. Haven’t read them yet.
I want to ask, is there any point me waiting for him to realise? You obviously have seen lot of cases similar to mine. I want to know what happens in most of these cases. Do the infidel spouse realise his/her mistake? Do they come back to their senses? Do they realise the grass looks greener on the other side? And most importantly what I should be doing at present?
Andrew writes:
I can feel the panic rising through this letter, so the first thing I want to say is take a deep breath and start reading. Begin with ‘HCIETYA’ as you’re still in the first stage ‘Shock and Disbelief’ and you should not make any long-term decisions at this point. Keep reading and digesting because it will keep you calm. Move onto ILYBINILWY and understand why your relationship was vulnerable. Slowly but surely, you will begin to feel better and more hopeful.
Yes, I have seen loads of cases similar to yours and I will be 100% honest. I can’t predict what your husband will do….. because a lot of it will depend on how you act. However, I have some general observations.
1. Most affairs self destruct. They are built on fantasy and secrets and when they see the cold light of day implode.
2. Old flames affairs are more durable, because there is less fantasy and people tell themselves ‘we were meant to be together’.
3. Women find it almost impossible to forgive their partners after an abortion. Even though they walk into the clinics using their own legs and sign the consent form with their own hands. They blame the man for not stopping them or making them do it or some combination of both.
4. Having two children under 5 has a serious impact on couple’s sex lives. (See my new book Make Love Like a Prairie Vole for explanations about why and how to rebuild your sex life again)
5. It will probably take somewhere between a year and two years to recover from this affair and it will take a lot of work (on both of your sides).
6. Couples with children are more likely to survive an affair than those without.
Ultimately, I think the future is in your hands. If he was leaving he would have left by now. If he did leave and go to her, the recriminations would tear them apart within weeks (and he’d be back). To be honest, I think he sounds rather weak and is waiting for you to make your mind up. That’s why I think you should start reading, thinking, reflecting. Don’t rush into making a decision or keep off-loading onto your friends because they will want to advise and unless they’ve been in the same position will not truly understand. Ultimately, it’s your life and only you can decide what’s best for you
I hope this helps.
