Ask Andrew – Should I stop my husband seeing his friend (who is a close friend of his ex mistress)
I’ve read ‘I love you but I’m not in love with you’ and ‘How will I ever trust you again’. Both books helped me tremendously.
A few years ago you helped me when my husband had a fling with a colleague. Things have moved on considerably and we have worked together to try to make things work for us. I think he had a bit of a mid life crisis and felt flattered someone so young and pretty made him feel attractive again. He showed great remorse, has now changed jobs and we do a lot more talking. We’ve had a happy few years, my children are doing well and are growing into lovely people and I actually started to feel happy again. I’ve had a few blips and brought everything up again on the way and we’ve talked things through.He tends to want to sweep it under the carpet as though it never happened but i somehow manage to get the reassurance I need. I thought I was doing so well until recently. I feel like I am stuck again.
My problem lies with the fact that my husband still wants to keep intouch with his old work colleagues. We came to an agreement that he would see them occasionally for a drink and a catch up. I still find this difficult but deal with it. He now meets up weekly with a couple of these people, one whom is still very good friends with the girl he had the fling with. I often see the two friends’ conversations and arrangements on Facebook because she added me as a friend. I feel like I’m obsessing with it and live in fear that one day the friend will invite the other girl along and the social circle will start up again. I have discussed this with my husband who got really angry and asked me what I really thought he would do if that happened! He told me to delete the friend- which in a way I know is the right thing to do. If I do this, it feels like I am not keeping up with what is going on! To be honest I don’t think he’d do anything if this situation happened or has happened even! I am just not comfortable with it. I want it out of my life completely. It feels like the link with her is still there. I dont understand why he has to continue his friendship with this person when he has so many other friends. He knows it hurts me, so why does he have to do this? He says she hasn’t done anything wrong and they’ve been friends for years! If this is the case then surely she must understand how I feel and wouldn’t publish these messages and photos on her page to wind me up, You’d think she’d do everything she could to help keep our marriage together after seeing what we went through. I feel like I cant move on because it is always in my life and I’m sitting on a time bomb waiting for it to happen. It doesn’t feel right that he should go back to socialising with her again in the old circle and I want to try to prevent it from happening. He has always meant the world to me, but I feel like I’m becoming a person I don’t want to be- obsessing. He has made this situation awkward by getting involved with friends. Do you think the relationship can work all the time he is keeping this link with her open. As he says, if he wanted to, he could ring her anytime so he just gets cross when I relay my worries. I feel so low, I just can’t understand why this is happening to me after getting so far. It’s almost like I need to offer an ultimatum, me or your friend- which is ridiculous! Where am I going wrong Andrew?
Andrew writes:
Please don’t issue an ultimatium. It raises the stakes, makes everybody angry and creates a sense of panic.
When someone gets stuck along the recovery path, it is either because there is another body that needs to come up to the surface, more work that needs to be done on the relationship or the discoverer has started to obsess and over-think.
Obviously, I don’t know your circumstances but my guess would be the third option. Worse still, your concerns about your husband’s friend has created a barrier between you and your husband (and further undermined your confidence in the future.)
I want to stay STOP! Don’t become this horrible suspicious person – become a generous person who doesn’t expect their partner to arrange his social life around your fears (and expects his friends to do the same). You’re not sitting on a time bomb…. you’re obsessing.
When you’re feeling good about yourself, you know that it doesn’t help to cyber stalk his ex. However, when you’re anxious, you think ‘I can reassure myself by just checking’ and you’re not only wasting hours but making everything worse. So please delete this friend from your friends and do yourself and your husband a big favour.
I’d also like you to read ‘Learn to love yourself enough’ to work on your self-esteem and then I’d like you to write a list of rules for yourself. For example, no cyber stalking or going on line after a drink. When I feel anxious, I’ll do something practical – like cleaning out the cupboards, or phone a friend for a gossip (about something else) or start some absorbing hobby (so I’m not sitting at home with time to obsess). In additon, when you’re feeling down, ask your husband for a hug – rather than going on at him about this friend.
Ultimately, the only reason his ex affair partner is in your life still is because YOU KEEP ON INVITING HER IN. Trust me, it will take about a month on my distraction policy (but you’ll soon feel a whole lot better). Tell your husband that you’ve deleted this friend and see him physically relax. He might even give you a hug and a kiss. He will certainly walk lighter and the two of you will begin to be a whole lot closer. Whereas, an ultimatium will bring bitterness and resentment. No competition really….
