Ask Andrew – My husband is still checking his ex-affair partner’s facebook
I discovered my husbands affair 5 months ago, I was 7 months pregnant with our 2nd child at the time. The affair had been going on for 9 months when I discovered it. We have been together 11 years, married for 5. He has been honest and told me he loved her. For the first 3 months after discovery he kept saying he was staying with me but I kept discovering that he had continued to have contact with this woman (not face to face, they live 70 miles apart). It came to a head 2 months ago and he finally made a definite decision and chose to stay with me. Since then things have improved between us, we’re making more time for each other and going out on dates, something we had neglected after we had our first daughter 3 years ago. But I’m under no illusions that if it wasn’t for our 2 girls he would have left me for her. How long will I have to continue to feel second best to this woman?? I feel as though I’m living in her shadow constantly, my husband can’t seem to let her go. They work together but are in different offices and he is currently looking for a new job so there is still a tie between them but he is also still checking her facebook page on a regular basis.
I’ve read HCIETYA and am really trying to follow your advice by not blowing up or dealing out ultimatums but I feel like giving up, it’s so hard to keep going. He is affectionate to me and we have resumed our sex life, which is now more active than it has been for years, but he doesn’t tell me he finds me attractive or that he loves me, how long do we carry on like this before we decide to give up? I desperately want my marriage to succeed. He also doesn’t seem to be bonding with our baby daughter, he just sees her as an annoyance whereas he is incredibly close to our older daughter, they have a lovely relationship and it’s so sad to see him rejecting our youngest, how should I tackle this? Any help you can give would be greatly appreciated, I feel so helpless.
Andrew writes:
First of all, I want to tell you that you’re doing very well. It is early days after your discovery and it sounds like you’re holding everything together really well. It is even earlier days if it is only two months since he stopped contacting the other woman. However, I have to say I don’t think it helps for him to check her facebook page. This is a bit like a recovering alcoholic cutting out drink adverts and pasting them in a scrapbook – ie: torturing himself. I know it will be hard for him to go cold turkey but it will be easier in the long-run.
It sounds like you’re in Attempted Normality at the moment. That’s a much better place than shock and disbelief but it’s still tough. So what intense learning – the next stage – do you and your husband need to know. You provide a clue in your letter about your daughter. Have you any idea what might be going on? What happened around the time you fell pregnant? What happened around the moment you gave birth? What is your husband’s birth order? What about yours (it might be that you’re a younger sister and particularly aware of slights for your second daughter)?
If you want help tackling the subject of your daughter (or the facebook stalking) I would use Appreciative Enquiry (please see ‘Help your partner say yes’ chapter four). In a nutshell, instead of fixing problems (which makes people defensive) it looks at how to build on success (which makes people open and creative).
Finally when you’re feeling down, I want you to remember your progress so far. If you’re feeling helpless, pick up ‘HCIETYA’ or one of my other books. There will probably be a fresh way of looking at a problem, information that you missed first time round (because you needed something different) or a new skill to learn. Ultimately, if you’re learning, you’re moving forward and that will make you feel empowered.
