Ask Andrew – Why searching for a soul mate could stop you ever finding love
I’m afraid to say I have not read any of your books, but I have read your article in the Daily Mail – Why searching for a soulmate could stop you from finding love – with great interest. I’m the mother of a daughter, very similar to your case study, Josie. She is 32 and her father and I divorced when she was 13. Like Josie, she goes for guys who “look good on paper” (one of our favourite phrases) or she goes for bad guys. She is also looking for a soulmate and there has to be sparks. But when the sparks fizzle out, what are left with? A damp, cold sparkler! 32 is still young, but she worries desperately that her clock is ticking. If she finds a good guy, she gets bored, no chemistry. But she knows the bad guys are wrong, too. She married a bad guy at the age of 27 and they have since divorced. I know she’s lonely and would love to be in a relationship and have children, etc. She has been out with guys that she’s met in bars, clubs, through friends and dating sites, but it always ends the same way. You’ve almost written her love-life story in the Mail. My question to you is this: do you think the internet, mobile phones and email technology has anything to do with the stale-mate men and women searching for a partner find themselves in? My theory is: it is all too easy to sit in front of a computer and select/reject potential partners. My daughter has, sometimes, had the choice of 50 guys or more on dating sites and she eventually whittles them down to about 3. If everyone is doing that (male and female), no wonder couples don’t get together! She will say to me, oh, I have a date. I ask, when. She answers, Tuesday, but he’s going to text me. Often, he never does. I don’t get it! If a man wants to see a girl, he makes a definite date – it’s not rocket science! I’m 62 and was out and about in the 60s when we went to dances, with live music and a boy had to walk across the floor to ask you to dance. There was face-to-face contact and conversation. It seems to me that nowadays, technology has made people lazy and they are quite happy with a virtual relationship and don’t actually want to put themselves out. This is the way men view from what I can gather from Lorna, my nieces and their friends. The girls meet a guy they think is quite nice, they give him their mobile number, then they get a late night text for a so-called booty call or they’re asked if they want some sexting fun! Cheek!!! Guys haven’t even got the nerve to actually pick up the phone, it’s done by text! My daughter shares a house with her cousin and a friend, they’ve had a landline installed. They’re going to try giving the house number instead. If a man is really interested, he’ll ring and actually have a conversation!! I know my theory is slanted on the female point of view, but speaking for my daughter, I know that every time she meets someone she thinks is special, she invests a lot of energy into the start of the relationship only to be let down because the man, actually, isn’t as good on paper as he first seemed. And from what I can gather, this technological attitude is right across the board and affects all age groups. Another phrase we use as rule of thumb is “he is just not that into you”. I would welcome a reply and your opinion.
Andrew writes:
I’m a firm believer in the idea: ‘Stop what doesn’t work’. Your daughter has found that she’s meeting the wrong sort of guys on the Internet and my guess is that she’s also become a bit cynic too (which doesn’t help). So I’d advise her to take a break and look for different ways of meeting people. I call it mixing – and I explain it in full in my book ‘The Single Trap’. However, you’re right a bit of face-to-face time is the way forward – especially in a low key environment where you see each other several times and the spark has time to build (rather than be expected to blow you away). In the sixties, you would have called them clubs and societies! Your daughter might think she’s not got enough time, but how long does she spend on dating sites? Hours!
The Single Trap also explains why people zig-zag between bad boys and dull boys…. it’s often down to the first man in her life: her father. He will have set the template for all her relationships. Hopefully, her father is still in her life but I wonder if you can help them make that a better relationship.
I suggest that you buy ‘The Single Trap’ for her but you have a look at the first half yourself too (and understand if your relationship with your husband or ex-husband could shed light on unluckiness in love).
For a look at the original article, click on the link below:
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2048434/Why-searching-soulmate-stop-finding-love.html
