Ask Andrew – How do you know if he’s the one?
I write just to thank you for an answer you gave me a bit over a year ago, concerning if a lukewarm relationship is good enough. Your answer made me understand something of my past relationships (one of six years and a marriage of 18 years) and look at the new one from a different perspective. And ever since that lukewarm has become warmer and warmer. My appreciation and admiration for my fiance has grown steadily and our relationship is deeply satisfying both emotionally and sexually. Actually, I’ve never experienced this wild sex as I have never been able to trust anybody as much as my fiance.
So, out of lukewarm can grow something really beautiful and I’m glad you opened my eyes to understand it.
Andrew writes:
Thank you so much for the update. It’s really nice to hear when things work out well and it gives hope to other people in a similar situation. As you’ve discovered sometimes changing the way that you look at something – rather than expecting our partner to change – can be a huge breakthrough. And, interestingly, when we begin to change that sets up positive circle when our partner changes too.
So congratulations and all the best for the future.
If other readers are interested, here’s her original letter and my reply:
How do I know he’s the one?
I’m a 48 years old professional with two teenaged boys. I got divorced almost 3 yrs ago because of my ex’s alcoholism and depression which were affecting in a disturbing way both my kids and my own life. Now I have been dating a man 7 years my senior from the beginning of April. We actually first met in February, through Internet, and he seemed pleasant and ok but didn’t make an impact on me. As it took me a day to answer his sms thanking for a nice evening, he thought I wasn’t interested and didn’t contact me again until April. When he contacted me again I thought I should give him a second chance as one meeting and one’s looks don’t reveal everything about a person. He has turned out to be a nice, trustworthy and caring man and we share some common interests but there are some buts, too. I did your Three-months Test and ticked all the boxes except ‘conversation flowing like wine’. Our sex life is not totally satisfying for two reasons: I’m not keen on the way he kisses and his penis is very small. For me these things sound very shallow and I had always thought that size doesn’t matter. Now I know it does. He is good with his tongue and fingers but I miss feeling a penis inside me and getting a vaginal orgasm. I sometimes wonder if I can live like this for the rest of my life. I like him a lot and appreciate his kind personality but I don’t feel terribly passionate about him. Our rhythm is also quite different: he is very slow and I’m quite fast. This morning I ate müsli, a
sandwich and an egg plus drank a cup of tea and a cup of juice while he was getting down his müsli. And I’m not an extremely fast eater myself.
So is it normal to have doubts at this phase of a relationship? How would I really know if there’s a chance for a long lasting, mutually fulfilling relationship? Is luke warm enough?
Here’s my original reply
What an interesting question and one I explore further in a new book coming out in February next year: Are you right for me?
I’m struck by the difference between your last relationship – with a bad boy (your ex was an alcoholic) and your current partner who sounds really nice (but possibly too nice). When there is such a dramatic difference, I normally suspect that there is a link between the problems in one relationship and the next. Let me try and explain what I mean.
My guess is that life with your ex was never dull. There was lots of drama – where is he? what state will be in? what’s going to happen next? Living with an alcoholic can involve living on your nerves with the adrenaline pumping all the time. (Interestingly, it is easy to mistake the faster heartbeat with passion and that’s why lots of women fall for bad boys). Your impatience with your current taking his time over breakfast makes me wonder if you have become so used to drama that ordinary life comes across as rather dull.
So I want to turn your question on its head. Not is he right for you but are you ready for him? Have you processed all your experiences from being the partner of an addict? Have you learnt all the lessons? Consider some sessions with an addiction expert to help think through your old relationship and whether you were co-dependent (addicted to his bad behaviour or a compulsive carer etc)
This is not to say that there is not work to do on your current relationship. Experiment with different positions for sexual intercourse where he will be able to penetrate further or bring sex toys into your love-making. Show him how you like to be kissed….. for example,’ it really turns me on when you kiss me (slowly, forcibly, whatever).’ If he’s good at oral sex, I’m sure he can learn to kiss in a way that feels good for you.
Finally, I think there are often doubts at three months – especially after you’ve been hurt. The myths about love means we can expect such a big bang that it blasts away any problems and fuses two people together in a tight embrace forever more. However, love is seldom enough on its own. We need respect, consideration, kindness and lots of other gentler qualities too. Time and again, love is something that grows slowly from a small shoot to a large tree to shelter under.
So think about the post-relationship counselling (but make certain you see an addiction specialist), work on improving things at three months and leave the real decision until eighteen months.
