Ask Andrew – I can’t bear my husband to touch me
I am 32 married with 2 kids aged 5 and 8. I met my husband when I was 16 and have only been with him until a couple of years ago. I have had a couple of affairs because I find I am simply not attracted to my husband any more. I have what you called affectionate regard for my husband. I feel I’ve missed out on experiences with other men and I feel I am too young to live the rest of my life without sex and passion. I feel trapped because of the kids but can’t imagine how I can feel differently towards my husband. We get on fine but we are not intimate at all. I can’t bear him touching me really. Any help greatly appreciated?
Andrew writes:
I have to be honest. This sounds like a recipe for disaster. On one hand, nobody should live without the sex they need (whether they are thirty-two or eight-two) but cheating behind your husband’s back and pretending everything is fine at home (by not saying anything) is unfair. Not only does it not give him the chance to make things differently but when he finds out about the affairs – which he will – he’ll be completely devastated. And guess what he’ll say: Why didn’t you tell me? I thought you didn’t like sex!
So why does he turn you off? It is probably a combination of two things. Firstly, men are expected to know everything about sex (and therefore afraid to ask for help or feedback, for fear it will ‘unman’ us). But if you’re young and inexperienced and all you know about sex is what you’ve learnt from porn (where women writhe and moan just by looking at a penis). How can you know what works and what doesn’t with a real life one? Secondly, you are incredibly angry with him. Perhaps you’ve buried lots of smaller annoyances to ‘get on fine’. Perhaps, it is tied up with sex. I don’t know but you’re building up a good head of rage.
So what should you do? I would start by reading ‘I love your but I’m not in love’ which explains how repressed anger drains all the passion out of even the happiest marriage. When my new book comes out (early next year) ‘Make Love Like a Prairie Vole: Six steps to passionate, plentiful and monogamous love’ read it and share it with your husband. It will provide a way of discussing how you’d like things to be (rather than complaining how things aren’t.)You may need professional help to get through this because it’s hard to talk about sex without getting defensive.
Finally, I can’t lie and say solving this will be easy but your current ‘arrangement’ is just not sustainable. Sorry.
