Ask Andrew – My husband wants tantric sex
While I was grieving from the miscarriage that came three weeks before I conceived my baby (16 months) my husband started a relationship with someone else, and then another, and another; and three months later it was intuition that caused me to ask him the night before my amniocentesis if he was in love with someone else… to which the answer was ‘yes’. Fight and flight are difficult during pregnancy so trauma was the only option. Ongoing until I gave birth seven weeks early (4 months of crying ‘I can’t do this’, continually braking and accelerating can bring on a premature birth, I’m convinced) and we were plunged into a whole other nightmare, baby two months in the hospital plus home hospitalisation for 10 months, separated from my 5 yr old daughter and trying to hold my marriage together. While what he did was reprehensible, I had my part of responsibility in it all and I really worked on that, transformed a lot of stuff, changed.
Sexuality is key for him, the desire to explore Tantra etc, and the regular reproach that ‘this never seems to happen’. Aside from the usual ‘we have a 16 month old baby’ stuff that puts a brake on things there is also the fact that every couple of months, usually when I’m thinking things are going ok that I get landed with the whammy ‘I think about these three women a lot and I don’t know if it’s really possible for me to let go.’ (These relationships have been put on hold for a long time). I have agreed to having other partners, within certain limits. But I refuse to accept that he continues these relationships with these three women (all of whom knew about me and about one another) because it brings me right back to the trauma of what happened. And every time the question is brought up again I feel the floor go out from under me and all the trust that has been painstakingly rebuilt vanishes. And I don’t really feel like exploring very much at all with someone I don’t trust. He would rather see me as just fatally averse to a very sexual relationship which is not true. For years I struggled with his negative appraisals of me as a non-sexual, non-sensual person until he stopped with that and also recognized his own insecurity. The last few years have been more about a fascination with Tantric sex and yet he manages to express his feelings in such a way that I feel judged in my sexuality as it is. I feel like we’re missing a step of sexual self-acceptance, even self-love.
I’m getting to the point where I don’t need any more bad love in my life (my parents took care of that). I feel less and less inclined to go on with this relationship and yet I’m afraid to be the one who pulls the plug just in case it could be saved and he can change. We did a lot of therapy together during the pregnancy which was interesting, revealing even but not particularly helpful. If King Solomon had a website, I’d be offering this up to him. I had very much wanted to work with you but we live in France, my husband is French… This is less of a question than a request for insight.
Andrew writes:
What a terrible catalogue of events! I can’t even begin to imagine how difficult that pregnancy must have been (especially after the miscarriage), the premature birth and dealing with the aftermath of an affair at the same time. To be honest, I’m surprised that you’re still standing, let alone interested in sex and tantric sex as well!!!
I’m also concerned about your lack of boundaries. If I’d asked you – say five years ago – would you forgive a man who had an affair, I wonder what you would have said? If I’d said it was not one but two and then three? What would you have said then? And then if I’d told you, you’d accept that he’d see other women? What would you say? And what if he is still in contact with one of these three women? Would you roll over on that topic too? Think back to your childhood: How were the boundaries between acceptable an unacceptable behaviour? forever changing? One rule for one person? One rule for others? Did your parent’s burden you with adult stuff by trying to make you take sides? What light does this shed on your current situation?
My big question is: what is your husband up to? If I’m being generous – which is my natural choice – I would think that’s he’s deeply unhappy and thinks wonderful sex will fill up an empty hole inside him. If he’s looking for tantric sex – which is about hours of holding and touching – I would say this inner void is pretty huge. In fact, he sounds like a small child that was not held and loved enough by his mother. Staying with this idea, if you’re a child yourself what is it like to have two children? On one hand, you love them deeply. But on the other hand, the truth is that you resent them (their demands and how they eat up your wife’s attention). Unfortunately, the biggest taboo today is to resent your children. (Even though all parents do, from time-to-time, it’s just too big a secret to even whisper.) Unfortunately, making something taboo doesn’t solve anything, the problem just pops up somewhere else. Guess where? Instead of resenting your children, you resent your wife instead!
I have to be honest. This sounds like a mountain to climb and you might be too angry, hurt and exhausted to even look at the summit. However, if you want to set up base camp! I would read a great book which explains what sex means to men. It’s called New Male Sexuality and is written by Bernie Zilbergeld. (My female clients find it incredibly helpful too and he’s the nearest thing I know to King Solomon!). When my book on sex comes out in the new year – ‘Make love like a prairie vole: Six steps to passionate, plentiful and monogamous sex’ – please buy it, because I think it will help you understand each other better and maybe even open up a helpful discussion. In the meantime, I would also try and improve communication between the two of you by reading ‘Resolve your differences’ and ‘Help your partner say yes.’
Finally, if this all sounds like too much effort. I think you have your answer. If I’ve given you hope and direction, it might not be too late. Good luck.
