Ask Andrew – My boyfriend won’t give our relationship another try
My boyfriend of 4 years broke up with me a week ago, dropping the bombshell he’s no longer feels ‘in love’, has been trying for 6 months to work at our relationship problems & express them to me (too much time together, unproductive arguments). He said I just didn’t ‘get it’ and never listen properly, that I reacted too emotionally the first time he brought it up, so he ‘shut down’ his emotions and felt unable to talk to about the issues any more. Meanwhile I thought I’d been trying to understand what was wrong all that time, that he was the one not communicating properly by just insisting everything was fine every time I asked.
He says he’s tired of the effort from trying for so long and he can’t do it any more (even though its only 2 weeks for me of knowing how truly unhappy he was). He said the deciding moment for him was the last time we made love (the night before the break up) when he realised it felt purely physical and had no ‘love’ component for him – I want to understand and help, but on hearing that detail I was utterly crushed. In my heart I don’t believe that single incident should decide everything but he’s convinced this is the end and there’s no way to fall back in love. He refuses to read your book ILYB or get any help although I have tried. I felt so hopeful after I read ILYB at first, but after trying to put it into practice I feel empty as I can’t seem to change his mind.
We’re still living together but sleeping in separate rooms, until we figure out what to do with the house. He still insists he can’t give our relationship another try, even though we’ve made progress bringing the underlying causes into the open – he says he ‘can’t rule out the possibility’ of giving it another go sometime in the future, but for now he wants to be alone, move out and have no contact for a while, and deal with his feelings on his own.
I want to show him I can change to listen and understand, but how? I’ve read so many books like ILYB & Help Your Partner Say Yes, tried to take it all on board, done so much reflection. But I find it hard to remember techniques in the heat of a discussion, my mind goes into panic or defence mode and gets ruled by emotion.
I’ve set up a Therapist session tomorrow to work on my own issues (communication and anxious attachment) but he won’t come, how can I demonstrate improvement if he no longer wants to talk through our issues? He feels (rightly) we’ve already talked them to death and it hasn’t changed anything yet. How can I show him things have changed, if we don’t have the opportunity to try at our relationship – even less so if he moves out and we have no contact? I’ll do anything not to lose him, but I’m completely lost for how to show someone who’s just shut down and wants to deal with things alone.
I’ve been in plenty of long-term relationships and this was genuinely the best ‘keeper’ yet – the relationship was blissfully happy until we stopped communicating and the arguments started… Please help!
Andrew writes:
Let’s start with the good news, you’ve got a clear sense of what’s been going wrong. Your partner has a problem, he tries to bring it up, but you panic and become extremely emotional. He feels you haven’t heard him (because he’s got to reassure you and the discussion becomes all about you) and therefore he switches off. It’s classic ILYB.
Well done, too, for researching it and making a commitment to change. I’m really pleased that you’re getting help for yourself. There’s only one problem….. your partner is poised to leave and this is making you so anxious that you slip back into your old ways and reconfirm to him that the relationship has no future.
So what do you do? Firstly, when you’re feeling OK, explain your new resolution. I’m going to stop trying to convince you to give us another try (because that’s just pushing you away). I’m going to more rational when you bring up material (and show you that I can change). I’m going to work on myself too. However, I still believe that this relationship has a future and we can communicate better. So I’m going to keep working on my half.
Secondly, you’ve got to stick to this resolution. If you find yourself getting tearful or anxious, walk away and phone a friend or have a long bath or read one of my books (like ‘Learn to love yourself enough.) I know this will be hard but it beats yet another long discussion that goes nowhere and pushes him further out the door.
Thirdly, act as if this is going to work, so if he’s wanted to go out more with his mates (for example) be genuinely happy that he’s going and ask how they were the next day. This proves that things can be different.
Finally, try some simple meditation techniques to calm yourself down. Take a deep breath, hold it and count ten, breath out. Repeat but this time count nine and so on down to one. Then you’re going to count back up, in the same manner. Breath in, hold and count two, breath out and so on back up to ten. Repeat as many times as necessary.
Good luck and look after yourself
